Natasha and Pierre

Ah, hope
Whole & beautiful with youth
Unspoiled, shining from unveiled faces
It lives in the eyes
Precious
Even more so after the fall
Lost to all
We wander
And sometimes are able to find it again, with help
Smudged, & aged with knowledge
How lucky are those that know the value!
Hold tight
And smile


Aching
Of loss and love
Found in the unexpected
To truly invest means hurt will happen
Agony
Wounds will either heal
Or kill us
Pick a side
And go through
To be changed
Death or scars
Mourn the past
But move forward
Eyes open
Hope is where you find it



To Dave - Just a token of gratitude and appreciation to the man who has helped ruin me for all future Broadway shows & Josh Groban concerts. Thank you.

Titanic Perspective

I took myself out to see Titanic 3D tonight. I think I saw in in the theater when I was around 15.
Some things I remembered --the dialog was fairly flat, and I didn't much care for the love story.
Some things I didn't --like I didn't remember how much cursing was in it.

I DO have to admit that I did cry, which shows how 15 years can change a person.

As every person fell, I flinched, my body feeling the imaginary shocks, and my nurse brain trying to imagine what happened to them. Seeing a real individual person die is awe-filled, horrible, miraculous thing, and I've seen many, and to watch so many people die on screen, and to know that it REALLY HAPPENED--it was just too much for me.

And so I cry...

Multiplication within - little things become big, and open doors for other things, and while they may be good things in general, the pain of their beauty is just too much right now, and they strain against the edges, making it so that if another word, another look happens, I'll cry.

and I cry, and the walls fall - those stupid things holding in all the wants and desires I don't share - I can't share with anyone besides God, because its been hard enough, giving them to Him, while REALLY wanting them, but wanting what God wants more, even if my things DIE in the process.

and I cry,

because I've seen death,

and I see it often.

To be alive, and have a part of you die...

I know He knows best, and I trust in Him, but having a thorn in my side can often be too much for me, although I can put on a good face.

and I cry.


Habakkuk 3
¹⁷ Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,^[e]
able to tread upon the heights.

How Time Flies...

...has it really been that long since I last posted? I've thought about posts, as if the mere fleeting thought of wanting to visit this place and make my mark would cause it to occur. Busy...with STUFF-important, not important,life,death, and the dash in between. And yet, here I sit, surrounded in my busy-ness, just taking a moment, to make an appearance - to say, I REMEMBER YOU.

Did you know...

...that antibiotics and alcohol don't mix?

(luckily, I had one and didn't have the other)

The next generation

Max K. and Carson S., my 2 nephews were BOTH BORN YESTERDAY!!!

(Max was a week late, and Carson was 6 weeks early)
I am extra excited to go visit BOTH new babies next week.

Today...

Today I cleaned, which was much needed. I took 2 trash bags to Goodwill, and recycled 2 plastic tubs of paper. I decided to see a movie, and 'Crazy-Stupid-Love' won out over 'Capt. America'.

(In some instances, I am very much a general girl, and love will usually win out)

As I was waiting for the movie to begin, I spilled pop all down my (rarely-worn) white t-shirt, and while sopping up the mess with my hoodie, I had the thought that if I do get married,(and do have the whole ceremony and white dress) that on that day, I'll either only drink water/champagne (light-colored things) that day and forgo food, or just have to make myself a huge bib from a plastic tablecloth (and it's classy thoughts like that which remind me why I'm NOT married :) ...)


I also got to talk a friend out of letting me give a haircut--it just wouldn't be the best idea for the situation, especially because it would require a LOT of cutting, and I've only ever cut on my own hair.

A storm is rolling through, so I'm going to tuck in and watch some 'House'. Have a great evening!

Zoom out

Sometimes it feels like the focus is too tight
cramped in the lense, and I am stuck
Only me; only THIS thing; THIS moment;NOW
no room to even wrestle with it properly
Zoom Out
Room to breathe; to see surroundings - that it's not just me in the frame
and I'm not even the subject of the picture
Perspective
We should all be glad I'm not the one in charge of the camera;
Thank You for knowing the best way to compose a photo.

Lately

Since my last post, I've gotten older.
(YIPPEE)
The last few months, I've felt more of a calm; a sureness within my own skin, but it's not from me. Good things; unexpected things are happening every day, and I'm trying to be grateful and thankful for each moment, as it comes. I do not know what the next minute holds, but I wait in poised expectation for the gift contained.

today I thought about perspective, and how each person has their own account/bent to events, and yet, in each, there is a measure of truth to be found. Some shine out, and some are ugly and dull, blending in, and lie deep, surrounded in opinion, waiting to be discovered...

Date With Dietrich Bonhoeffer...

...because I couldn't decide to go with a Christopher Guest or Wes Anderson movie marathon.

I also think I've got an idea for the next door decoration for the church's library door, provided I don't - A) forget, or
B) change my mind between now and then.

I did a '5 of 6' day stretch, and in wasn't too bad---I had the same patient all 5 days. The last night, I thought about how if someone asked me what I'd done all those nights at work, what I might say:

aside from 'the usual',
-I sweated in 'the tropics' of the 80-degree room (the heat cranked to keep the pt's temp up)
-The last 2 nights I occasionally danced around in the room and sang to the 80s music station the day nurse had put on the tv in the room
-I carried numerous heavy bags of fluid
-I hugged bags of urine while silently praying that they wouldn't rip as I drained them


I was a sore girl yesterday, and instead of taking a nap and 'flipping', I slept off and on until 1 AM, not getting out of bed from 8:30 am, and not eating since 1 AM the previous morning. Soo, I've actually been awake today since 1 am, when 'hungry' finally beat out 'tired'. I've been crazy-productive since then (thanks to coffee), filing papers, shredding papers, doing laundry, vaccuming all the spiders/webs in my general vacinity, etc. My oldest brother and his wife will be coming to visit in a few weeks (like they'd originally planned), so I figure if I start cleaning now, it should be good by then, right?

(okay, going to go---I've let my date alone long enough!)   :)

Prayer

I often have a hard time interacting with people. I do best with smaller amounts of people, and as the grouping number increases, I get progressively quieter and more inward.

And believe it or not, I'm actually better than I used to be.

I sometimes wonder if I could have some mild Asperger's, or if there's just a deep nugget of doubt buried deep, sending subtle thoughts of wondering about people. Pleasantries are nice at times, but I want to know if people are REAL.

Prayer is always a help. It helps with focus and preparation. It is a conversation with God where I can show my gratitude, and reveal my weaknesses. I don't know why exactly, but I seem to experience God more here--I don't know if that's a truth, or if being alone here, I'm just more aware and open to His workings around me with less distractions. It's painful and uncomfortable at times, and yet I know that good will out, so I expectantly wait... and pray, and take a deep breath as I am willing to be stretched beyond myself...

Um, what?

So much has happened in such a small time.

As I thought about it, I realized that we were overdue--the family had only increased since I was in the 3rd grade--around 20 YEARS of no deaths...

Before moving, I had to come to terms with the idea that I wouldn't be around when my grandparents died...I'm closing in on 30, and have all 4 that have been here since before I was born.

Most people aren't that fortunate.

But this was unexpected - a complication that surprised us all. It's so surreal - I think the words "my aunt is dead", but I can't completely comprehend and wrap my brain around the fullness of the idea, and as one from the Show-Me State, I think once I return and am immersed in the unexpected sadness, then I will drink deep, and weep. As I cry, I cry for earthly things - for the 40th anniversary Alaskan cruise that she, my uncle, and parents were going on this year; for my mother, who lost her best friend and sister; for my cousins and their children, who lost their mother and grandmother, and for my grandparents, who lost their oldest child, and because it will be a horrible Mother's Day for all of them.

I KNOW my aunt had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, and I KNOW into my bones that before her body was let to continue its natural course, that her soul, the part of her that was HER, was not there, but with Christ.

Remember to tell people that you love them now, because we do not know what the next moment brings...

Musings from things I've read

C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.”

WASHINGTON IRVING:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Statements

-The last 19 hours have been ridiculous.
-I JUST got home.
-I'm ready for today to be yesterday, and tomorrow to be today.
-If things don't improve today, I suspect I will implode, black-hole style, and accordion envelop all mass within me...

(-I remind myself that aspects on earth are as close as I will have to get to Hell.)

Awake

It's another day of being awake before 4 am. To be fair, i DID sleep over 12 hours (5+ hours after church, awake for about an hour, then 8+ hours to now). I was so tired yesterday that I didn't even really eat, even after purchasing food and bringing it home. Now I'm interested in food, but while I know I have a salad in the fridge, I just saw a picture of a friend's Chinese food on Facebook, and I'd much rather have that. I seem to be in a Chinese food kick, where I have an overwhelming desire to eat Chinese food often, after going almost a year of rarely eating it.

One thing I don't like about the weekend I work is that it's also the weekend that a good friend's kids are around.  I enjoy them very much, when we do get the opportunity to spend time together. They are, in general, an incredibly busy family, but there is always an eating of a meal together after church. On the Sundays after I work the night before, however, I attend church, but usually get incredibly sleepy by the end of the service, and cannot attend the lunch, so I often do not get to see them. Today an idea came into my head that the parents should switch weekends, so that they'd be at the other parent's on the weekend when I work, and I wouldn't have to miss getting to spend time with them...

(ah, the thoughts a tired brain thinks!) :)

Reminded

This week I was reminded:

-That the only person's actions I can control are mine. Others do things, and I can only control how I respond.

-That when you pray about something, you then have to make the decision to act and follow through, or not.

Commitment

So I've been watching 'Kitchen Nightmares' on hulu.com. It's a show on eateries that are floundering, and Chef Gordon Ramsay comes in, is BRUTALLY honest with them, and tries to help them turn things around.

And that made me think about commitment. Most of the people stick with it, because their committed, INVESTED in the business; the people, etc.

What are you invested in?

Thinking about church. I create attendance reports, which are mainly composed of 'guest', 'regular attender', and 'member', and the main difference between these groups are (for many) the level of commitment/involvement.

I had a conversation recently with a friend, who was complaining about church things, but she wasn't offering to help create change, or even offering of herself within church activities.

If there aren't things there for you, maybe that means you need to help provide things for others (and thereby learn that THAT is what was for you, in the first place).

I don't know if it's just Americans, or people in general, but it seems like we want what's best for me - which isn't necessarily a BAD thing, but as with most things, too much of it can be.

(I think I might just be rambling now, and I've got a meeting, so I'm stopping now.)

Middle-Man

Friday morning I was attempting to 'flip' back to living days, when I got a text @ 6 am. Even for normal day-living people, you don't, generally, receive texts/calls/etc. at that time unless you KNOW the person is already awake.

(so I was a little irritated)

and then I read it, and I decided at that moment that I just needed to be DONE.

Two people, both of whom are friends, have slowly worked me into the middle, and if experience has taught us anything, it's that I DON'T LIKE BEING PUT IN THE MIDDLE! It's SO much better overall to just be the same (as much as possible) with everyone; that's the easiest, and I'm a lazy person that way.

I feel like I have to work SO HARD at this, and it's getting more and more frustrating - I just want to SHAKE 'em!

(as it is, I think I'm just going to have to bow out, as best I can)

Work

Apart from wearing new shoes and having INCREDIBLY sore feet last night, it turned out to be a good end to the work week. I received my 1st fresh surgical transplant patient (double lung), and he was incredibly stable (as fresh post-op patients go). This morning I spent about 90 minutes talking with a friend from work, starting from the hwy infront of the hospital, to 30 minutes sitting in the Burger King parking lot, waiting to be done so I could get food. She is a new nurse, and was feeling stress and concern over things that had happened that night, and she called me to 'talk her down' and to provide some perspective. I was honored that she felt comfortable enough with me to come to me, and that she saw me as a resource that way.

I need to go run an errand, but am seriously considering going back to sleep.

Mom's going to be arriving for a visit on Saturday. I need to do some cleaning between now and then. We will see how it all goes...

Dream

So, granted, I DID stay up later than expected last night and watched some episodes of 'Bones', but I slept IN, and then woke up enough to decide to go straight into a nap. I still am feeling yucky, but I guess I at least needed all that sleep to counteract my days of 4 hours this week. I am also fighting my over-developed sense of guilt, which is screaming at me that I need to get up and clean, so that my house will be 'presentable' when my mom comes for a visit, or to work on the many paperwork things needing done on my list. Stupid thing - sometimes 'no' is the right answer, and it's okay. If anyone would ever visit my house, then it would be someone who loves me enough to visit, and they'd deal with my 'mess'.

ANYWAY, so I had this dream. I was in the middle of nowhere, and the road turned into a driveway, so I'd pulled my car off to the side and gotten out. There was a huge estate house, with a large stone covered walkway that led from the road up to the house. I start making my way up the walkway, and notice that it's all covered in a very thin layer of insulation, or something of that nature (cotton candy?) - something made of pink, whispy strands. I become more deliberate about where I place my feet, as insulation can be scratchy and cotton candy can be sticky. About halfway up the walkway, I hear a noise, and look back at the road. A combine is coming up the road, and turns into the dirt driveway. I duck down behind a pillar, as I am trespassing and would rather NOT be seen, but then realize that whomever was in the combine probably saw my  empty car on the road.

I look up, and there's a small building infront of me, and I go in. It's a mudroom of sorts, with a set of laundry machines and a large broken aquarium along the far wall. As I am taking in the view, a person walks in - honestly, I couldn't tell you of what gender, but as this person is talking, 5 or 6 others slowly trickle into the small room. No one is angry or upset that I am there. The first person is telling me about the house and the lands, and then starts telling me about how the aquarium got broken, and how the many, many eels that lived in there occasionally come out into the room. I look around, and I see the dead eyes of 2 eels as they are somehow able to cruise through the air as they do in water, getting close to my sandalled feet. I try not to react as they skim over my body, finally attaching to my right hand - one to the outside, and one to the wrist. All the people in the room are giving me advice on how to detach the eels. I am able to remove the one from the outside of my hand - PAINFULLY, as these eels have pointy, razor sharp teeth. I finally get the other eel from my wrist, and it hit an artery. I try to hold pressure with my left hand, but can't get it well enough. I yell at one of the guys to come over and hold pressure. 'I want you to make my fingers go white' I tell him. He does worse than I did, so I wave him away, and  attempt to hold pressure again, but this time am successful to at least slow the bleeding...


And then I wake up.