Today...

Today I cleaned, which was much needed. I took 2 trash bags to Goodwill, and recycled 2 plastic tubs of paper. I decided to see a movie, and 'Crazy-Stupid-Love' won out over 'Capt. America'.

(In some instances, I am very much a general girl, and love will usually win out)

As I was waiting for the movie to begin, I spilled pop all down my (rarely-worn) white t-shirt, and while sopping up the mess with my hoodie, I had the thought that if I do get married,(and do have the whole ceremony and white dress) that on that day, I'll either only drink water/champagne (light-colored things) that day and forgo food, or just have to make myself a huge bib from a plastic tablecloth (and it's classy thoughts like that which remind me why I'm NOT married :) ...)


I also got to talk a friend out of letting me give a haircut--it just wouldn't be the best idea for the situation, especially because it would require a LOT of cutting, and I've only ever cut on my own hair.

A storm is rolling through, so I'm going to tuck in and watch some 'House'. Have a great evening!

Zoom out

Sometimes it feels like the focus is too tight
cramped in the lense, and I am stuck
Only me; only THIS thing; THIS moment;NOW
no room to even wrestle with it properly
Zoom Out
Room to breathe; to see surroundings - that it's not just me in the frame
and I'm not even the subject of the picture
Perspective
We should all be glad I'm not the one in charge of the camera;
Thank You for knowing the best way to compose a photo.

Lately

Since my last post, I've gotten older.
(YIPPEE)
The last few months, I've felt more of a calm; a sureness within my own skin, but it's not from me. Good things; unexpected things are happening every day, and I'm trying to be grateful and thankful for each moment, as it comes. I do not know what the next minute holds, but I wait in poised expectation for the gift contained.

today I thought about perspective, and how each person has their own account/bent to events, and yet, in each, there is a measure of truth to be found. Some shine out, and some are ugly and dull, blending in, and lie deep, surrounded in opinion, waiting to be discovered...

Date With Dietrich Bonhoeffer...

...because I couldn't decide to go with a Christopher Guest or Wes Anderson movie marathon.

I also think I've got an idea for the next door decoration for the church's library door, provided I don't - A) forget, or
B) change my mind between now and then.

I did a '5 of 6' day stretch, and in wasn't too bad---I had the same patient all 5 days. The last night, I thought about how if someone asked me what I'd done all those nights at work, what I might say:

aside from 'the usual',
-I sweated in 'the tropics' of the 80-degree room (the heat cranked to keep the pt's temp up)
-The last 2 nights I occasionally danced around in the room and sang to the 80s music station the day nurse had put on the tv in the room
-I carried numerous heavy bags of fluid
-I hugged bags of urine while silently praying that they wouldn't rip as I drained them


I was a sore girl yesterday, and instead of taking a nap and 'flipping', I slept off and on until 1 AM, not getting out of bed from 8:30 am, and not eating since 1 AM the previous morning. Soo, I've actually been awake today since 1 am, when 'hungry' finally beat out 'tired'. I've been crazy-productive since then (thanks to coffee), filing papers, shredding papers, doing laundry, vaccuming all the spiders/webs in my general vacinity, etc. My oldest brother and his wife will be coming to visit in a few weeks (like they'd originally planned), so I figure if I start cleaning now, it should be good by then, right?

(okay, going to go---I've let my date alone long enough!)   :)

Prayer

I often have a hard time interacting with people. I do best with smaller amounts of people, and as the grouping number increases, I get progressively quieter and more inward.

And believe it or not, I'm actually better than I used to be.

I sometimes wonder if I could have some mild Asperger's, or if there's just a deep nugget of doubt buried deep, sending subtle thoughts of wondering about people. Pleasantries are nice at times, but I want to know if people are REAL.

Prayer is always a help. It helps with focus and preparation. It is a conversation with God where I can show my gratitude, and reveal my weaknesses. I don't know why exactly, but I seem to experience God more here--I don't know if that's a truth, or if being alone here, I'm just more aware and open to His workings around me with less distractions. It's painful and uncomfortable at times, and yet I know that good will out, so I expectantly wait... and pray, and take a deep breath as I am willing to be stretched beyond myself...

Um, what?

So much has happened in such a small time.

As I thought about it, I realized that we were overdue--the family had only increased since I was in the 3rd grade--around 20 YEARS of no deaths...

Before moving, I had to come to terms with the idea that I wouldn't be around when my grandparents died...I'm closing in on 30, and have all 4 that have been here since before I was born.

Most people aren't that fortunate.

But this was unexpected - a complication that surprised us all. It's so surreal - I think the words "my aunt is dead", but I can't completely comprehend and wrap my brain around the fullness of the idea, and as one from the Show-Me State, I think once I return and am immersed in the unexpected sadness, then I will drink deep, and weep. As I cry, I cry for earthly things - for the 40th anniversary Alaskan cruise that she, my uncle, and parents were going on this year; for my mother, who lost her best friend and sister; for my cousins and their children, who lost their mother and grandmother, and for my grandparents, who lost their oldest child, and because it will be a horrible Mother's Day for all of them.

I KNOW my aunt had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, and I KNOW into my bones that before her body was let to continue its natural course, that her soul, the part of her that was HER, was not there, but with Christ.

Remember to tell people that you love them now, because we do not know what the next moment brings...

Musings from things I've read

C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.”

WASHINGTON IRVING:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”