Date With Dietrich Bonhoeffer...

...because I couldn't decide to go with a Christopher Guest or Wes Anderson movie marathon.

I also think I've got an idea for the next door decoration for the church's library door, provided I don't - A) forget, or
B) change my mind between now and then.

I did a '5 of 6' day stretch, and in wasn't too bad---I had the same patient all 5 days. The last night, I thought about how if someone asked me what I'd done all those nights at work, what I might say:

aside from 'the usual',
-I sweated in 'the tropics' of the 80-degree room (the heat cranked to keep the pt's temp up)
-The last 2 nights I occasionally danced around in the room and sang to the 80s music station the day nurse had put on the tv in the room
-I carried numerous heavy bags of fluid
-I hugged bags of urine while silently praying that they wouldn't rip as I drained them


I was a sore girl yesterday, and instead of taking a nap and 'flipping', I slept off and on until 1 AM, not getting out of bed from 8:30 am, and not eating since 1 AM the previous morning. Soo, I've actually been awake today since 1 am, when 'hungry' finally beat out 'tired'. I've been crazy-productive since then (thanks to coffee), filing papers, shredding papers, doing laundry, vaccuming all the spiders/webs in my general vacinity, etc. My oldest brother and his wife will be coming to visit in a few weeks (like they'd originally planned), so I figure if I start cleaning now, it should be good by then, right?

(okay, going to go---I've let my date alone long enough!)   :)

Prayer

I often have a hard time interacting with people. I do best with smaller amounts of people, and as the grouping number increases, I get progressively quieter and more inward.

And believe it or not, I'm actually better than I used to be.

I sometimes wonder if I could have some mild Asperger's, or if there's just a deep nugget of doubt buried deep, sending subtle thoughts of wondering about people. Pleasantries are nice at times, but I want to know if people are REAL.

Prayer is always a help. It helps with focus and preparation. It is a conversation with God where I can show my gratitude, and reveal my weaknesses. I don't know why exactly, but I seem to experience God more here--I don't know if that's a truth, or if being alone here, I'm just more aware and open to His workings around me with less distractions. It's painful and uncomfortable at times, and yet I know that good will out, so I expectantly wait... and pray, and take a deep breath as I am willing to be stretched beyond myself...

Um, what?

So much has happened in such a small time.

As I thought about it, I realized that we were overdue--the family had only increased since I was in the 3rd grade--around 20 YEARS of no deaths...

Before moving, I had to come to terms with the idea that I wouldn't be around when my grandparents died...I'm closing in on 30, and have all 4 that have been here since before I was born.

Most people aren't that fortunate.

But this was unexpected - a complication that surprised us all. It's so surreal - I think the words "my aunt is dead", but I can't completely comprehend and wrap my brain around the fullness of the idea, and as one from the Show-Me State, I think once I return and am immersed in the unexpected sadness, then I will drink deep, and weep. As I cry, I cry for earthly things - for the 40th anniversary Alaskan cruise that she, my uncle, and parents were going on this year; for my mother, who lost her best friend and sister; for my cousins and their children, who lost their mother and grandmother, and for my grandparents, who lost their oldest child, and because it will be a horrible Mother's Day for all of them.

I KNOW my aunt had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, and I KNOW into my bones that before her body was let to continue its natural course, that her soul, the part of her that was HER, was not there, but with Christ.

Remember to tell people that you love them now, because we do not know what the next moment brings...

Musings from things I've read

C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.”

WASHINGTON IRVING:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Statements

-The last 19 hours have been ridiculous.
-I JUST got home.
-I'm ready for today to be yesterday, and tomorrow to be today.
-If things don't improve today, I suspect I will implode, black-hole style, and accordion envelop all mass within me...

(-I remind myself that aspects on earth are as close as I will have to get to Hell.)

Awake

It's another day of being awake before 4 am. To be fair, i DID sleep over 12 hours (5+ hours after church, awake for about an hour, then 8+ hours to now). I was so tired yesterday that I didn't even really eat, even after purchasing food and bringing it home. Now I'm interested in food, but while I know I have a salad in the fridge, I just saw a picture of a friend's Chinese food on Facebook, and I'd much rather have that. I seem to be in a Chinese food kick, where I have an overwhelming desire to eat Chinese food often, after going almost a year of rarely eating it.

One thing I don't like about the weekend I work is that it's also the weekend that a good friend's kids are around.  I enjoy them very much, when we do get the opportunity to spend time together. They are, in general, an incredibly busy family, but there is always an eating of a meal together after church. On the Sundays after I work the night before, however, I attend church, but usually get incredibly sleepy by the end of the service, and cannot attend the lunch, so I often do not get to see them. Today an idea came into my head that the parents should switch weekends, so that they'd be at the other parent's on the weekend when I work, and I wouldn't have to miss getting to spend time with them...

(ah, the thoughts a tired brain thinks!) :)

Reminded

This week I was reminded:

-That the only person's actions I can control are mine. Others do things, and I can only control how I respond.

-That when you pray about something, you then have to make the decision to act and follow through, or not.