Saturday, May 28, 2011


I often have a hard time interacting with people. I do best with smaller amounts of people, and as the grouping number increases, I get progressively quieter and more inward.

And believe it or not, I'm actually better than I used to be.

I sometimes wonder if I could have some mild Asperger's, or if there's just a deep nugget of doubt buried deep, sending subtle thoughts of wondering about people. Pleasantries are nice at times, but I want to know if people are REAL.

Prayer is always a help. It helps with focus and preparation. It is a conversation with God where I can show my gratitude, and reveal my weaknesses. I don't know why exactly, but I seem to experience God more here--I don't know if that's a truth, or if being alone here, I'm just more aware and open to His workings around me with less distractions. It's painful and uncomfortable at times, and yet I know that good will out, so I expectantly wait... and pray, and take a deep breath as I am willing to be stretched beyond myself...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Um, what?

So much has happened in such a small time.

As I thought about it, I realized that we were overdue--the family had only increased since I was in the 3rd grade--around 20 YEARS of no deaths...

Before moving, I had to come to terms with the idea that I wouldn't be around when my grandparents died...I'm closing in on 30, and have all 4 that have been here since before I was born.

Most people aren't that fortunate.

But this was unexpected - a complication that surprised us all. It's so surreal - I think the words "my aunt is dead", but I can't completely comprehend and wrap my brain around the fullness of the idea, and as one from the Show-Me State, I think once I return and am immersed in the unexpected sadness, then I will drink deep, and weep. As I cry, I cry for earthly things - for the 40th anniversary Alaskan cruise that she, my uncle, and parents were going on this year; for my mother, who lost her best friend and sister; for my cousins and their children, who lost their mother and grandmother, and for my grandparents, who lost their oldest child, and because it will be a horrible Mother's Day for all of them.

I KNOW my aunt had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, and I KNOW into my bones that before her body was let to continue its natural course, that her soul, the part of her that was HER, was not there, but with Christ.

Remember to tell people that you love them now, because we do not know what the next moment brings...

Monday, May 2, 2011

Musings from things I've read

C.S. Lewis:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”