Walking with God

-I'm working on reading that book by John Eldredge (thanks, $5 Christian book outlet!), and I came across this as I was reading this morning @ IHOP, and I wanted to share, because I can only star and circle it so much. I'll get a running start into it:

John is a fisherman, and tells a story about wanting to go fish on some creek area he'd not fished before, and to get there, he had to go along the Bear River.

pg.67-68
My plan was to hike up the Bear to the confluence and begin my explorations from there. But the canyon of the Bear caught me by surprise. It's beautiful down in there. The river flows through a forest of evergreens, some of them leaning way out over the water so that the sunlight comes through here and there, splashing the river with light and shade. The river separates now and then into braids and then rejoins itself.

Now, it wasn't my plan to fish the Bear---I was after the untouched waters of the creek. But when I reached the bottom of the canyon and started upriver, I was immediately met with a handsome run of clear green water just begging for a dry fly. It was too inviting. I caught a lovely thirteen-inch rainbow on my first cast and made a change of plans. I would fish the Bear as I hiked ---not too seriously, because the creek was my destination---but enough to sample the most alluring runs.

The Bear proved to be the treat of the day. By the time I reached the creek, I'd caught a half-dozen fish without much effort. And now that I'd reached my goal, it became obvious that the creek was unfishable. It plunges off a geologic shelf for a mile or so, cascading down with far too much speed to make for good fishing. I was disappointed. The creek was the point; the river had only been tossed in as a bonus. Or so I thought.



Then I remembered something that God has been teaching me this summer---it's not what he isn't giving but what he is giving. We can get so locked onto what we don't have, what we think we want or need, that we miss the gifts God is giving.

Really, though the river had proved to be everything I hoped the creek would be---solitude, beauty, wild fish on a dry fly--I sulked halfway back to the car because I didn't get my creek.




So, another reminder to get over yourself, and see what God is giving you now.

Uncomfortable

For not getting to attend the White Elephant party last night, I had a pretty awesome night @ work---one of the best in a long while. I also got an unexpected 'Christmas hug' :).

So I'm having a running conversation, and it makes me uncomfortable. I get the info from one point of view, and try to figure how what is actually real, and what is seen through this person's eyes that wasn't necessarily intended that way. I have one foot in the stirrups and have to physically keep myself from getting up on my high horse :), because at the bedrock, I can see reflections of myself in the words, and it makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if this conversation is for me, or for them---they say you know that you KNOW something when you have to teach/explain it to another...

OBVIOUSLY, I can't sleep... so please bear with this entry, and hopefully it will make some sense without rambling too much (like this title)...

I only heard snippets of a conversation tonight, about a cross. I had gotten an email from church today that had a similar theme, asking what one word you thought of when you thought of the cross.

Just one?

I thought of a verse...

18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. (1 Corinthians 1:18)

I went back and looked @ Vintage Jesus, where they talk about how crucifiction was a horrible, shameful, yet common thing (and if you don't believe me, go watch Passion of the Christ--that's just a movie, and I had to completely stop watching the movie on 2 occasions because I was crying so hard that my nose got stuffed up and I couldn't breathe), yet crosses have become a big "Christian" symbol---in the book they compare them to wearing electric chairs around your neck, or hanging a dirty needle or used condom on your wall.

I think symbols can be good, so long as we REMEMBER what they STAND FOR. If you just want something pretty to look at, go get a Thomas Kinkaide to hang on your wall to jump-start your warm-n-fuzzies...

And another thing....

So there was this horrible death, where Jesus, who was sinless/blameless/spotless, took on ALL the sins of everyone that will ever exist ( for  you, me, your great-great-great grandma, my grandkids, Abraham Lincoln, Hitler, the lady across the street, the gas station attendant, etc), and died, paying the price for all our junk with His life....

BUT HE IS RISEN!

He rose from the grave 3 days after his death, and is alive!!!

(and THAT just reminded me of something else I'd like to write, about English tenses of things, but I think I need to do some more research and get some sleep, as it's closing in on 4 am!) Good night!

Thursdays

I have a deep love for Thursdays. I was born on a Thursday (but didn't know that for a LONG time). My love of Thursdays became evident in college, as it was the night of the BSU's 7:10 worship service. It was guaranteed a time of God, learning, and fellowship that would often last into Friday, and began the relaxation that only a weekend can bring.

Thursdays hold the promise of good things yet to come; an end to the work week is now in sight...

Now that I'm here, Thursdays are small-group night and there is music and conversation and community and food!

And even though I don't work a normal workweek, I still try to set aside Thursdays, as they hold an allure over me.

Moment

I fell asleep, and when I woke up it was...12:45.



(REALLY?)



I tried to focus and go back to sleep, then gave it up.



Little did I know, better things were ahead.



I checked the online weather, then went to the front door.



Looking out, I saw a fresh,new blanket of whiteness in the translucent light that accompanies snowfall.



I made the turn to come back to my nice, warm bed...



then kept turning



and put on my shoes



and grabbed my scarf and coat



and went outside.



Life was hushed



as I stood ankle-deep and still.



Steady flecks of snow came,



the world so silent I could hear it fall though the tree's bare branches.



An other-worldly light, all around, as my eyes couldn't see enough



And there was a moment...

Spoken

Last Friday I ended up @ Half-Price Books, and among those I got were "Looking For God: an unexpected journey through tattoos, tofu and pronouns" by Nancy Ortberg. It's basically about taking God out of that box we attempt to place Him in our minds, and allowing Him to invade and pervade every moment of our lives.

So far, my favorite chapter is #3 - Jello. Here's some chewy stuff:

Molds are fine for Jello.
But not for people.

What is it about so much of the Christian religion that insists that people be all alike?why do i so often feel as if they have their mold and they want me to fit into it? Do we somehow feel safter when others are just like us?

Sometimes when I am giving a talk, I ask people to look quickly at the person on their left, then the person on their right. I say,"Do either of these people look anything like you?" Of course the answer is no. "Then why," I ask,"do you look to those people to try to figure out who you are supposed to be?"

But we all do it. And when we do, we compare the life of God right out of us.

Comparison is so destructive. It erodes our love for other people and causes us to shun the gifts that God has given us. Like Peter, it keeps asking,"Well, what about him? What about her?" It keeps our eyes darting around the room, sizing people up, and holding up placards with numbers on them. It robs us of our own stories and gifts from God, all because we like someone else's better.

Comparison becomes a faulty scale on which we place ourselves,waiting to see how we balance out with the people on the other side.Comparison leaves us jealous and critical and insecure. It can propel us into unhealthy competition and relentless people-pleasing. God wants us free from that.

Part of what it means to be created in the image of God is that each person has his or her story, giftedness, and calling. I cannot find mine by looking at yours. Your story may inspire me or warn me, but I should never use it to determine my own.

The gospel frees us from comparison, making it possible to admire other people's gifts and be grateful for their contributions to the Kingdom. In Christ, there is no need for Jello molds or rigid restraints. We are called to delight in the diversity that reflects the many facets of God and sheds light on what it truly means to be created in His image.




(I read that @ work)
and then as I was driving home, I was listening to my ipod function on my phone, and had gotten this song of Matt Maher's from a great friend awhile ago (thanks Jeff!), and at that time just really HEARD THE WORDS, so much so I listened to it about 6 times in a row..

LETTING GO - Matt Maher

I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be

I stand before You, Lord
Humbled by the love You give away
A widow's mite, my will and pride
It's all I have to offer anyway

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else

I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be

I stand before You, Lord
Humbled by the love You give away
A widow's mite, my will and pride
It's all I have to offer anyway

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else

I just wanna be in Your arms
I just wanna be in Your arms
Moving ever closer to Your heart
To Your heart

I just wanna be in Your arms
I just wanna be in Your arms
Moving ever closer to Your heart
To Your heart

I just wanna be in Your arms
I just wanna be in Your arms
Moving ever closer to Your heart
To Your heart



Christian lyrics - LETTING GO LYRICS - MATT MAHER

I just wanted to say

...that I love God.

I really do.

I love that He knows more than me, and has my best interests in mind, even if it's uncomfortable for me at the present moment.

I love that He'll put things in my path, over and over, until I get the hint.

I love that He's got the ultimate sense of humor, and enjoying a laugh together...

I love that I can yell at Him, and cry to Him, and be the most vulnerable self I have, and He already knows it all, and loves me, period.

I love that He's faithful and trustworthy, and unchanging, and He rejoices over me with singing, and has the ability to quiet me through, just with His love. (Zeph. 3:17)

He is ALWAYS on time - He is never early and is never late.

(That's all for now)

Snow (For Lacy,)

in an attempt to balance out this blog and put some non-emo dispair in here...

Ah, snow! I keep going to the front door to get an update on the progress. Just THINK of how many snowflakes must fall for even just a dusting of snow, let alone inches! It's an amazing thing.

One of my favorite things of snow is how snow can make even the darkest night take on a translucent quality, with an ethereal light. Falling snow also seems to insulate, so that noises just aren't their normal sounding, and the quiet envelopes the listener.


This song was sung by the choir when I was in HS (I didn't sing it), but I always think of it when it snows...


Still, Still, Still


Still, still, still,
One can hear the falling snow.
For all is hushed,
The world is sleeping,
Holy Star its vigil keeping.
Still, still, still,
One can hear the falling snow.

Sleep, sleep, sleep,
'Tis the eve of our Saviour's birth.
The night is peaceful all around you,
Close your eyes,
Let sleep surround you.
Sleep, sleep, sleep,
'Tis the eve of our Saviour's birth.

Dream, dream, dream,
Of the joyous day to come.
While guardian angels without number,
Watch you as you sweetly slumber.
Dream, dream, dream,
Of the joyous day to come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dJ6H0DEV08
(for listening)

Dear God,

I don't understand. All I see are the walls on either side, and the past. I am only able to see a step at a time. Occasionally I see glimpses of movement out of the corners of my eyes - I wonder if it's You, or something that will become part of my path. I don't understand, and some times that can be overwhelming. Yet I know to the marrow of my bones that You are there, and are in control, and have a plan that is especially for me, and although I often wonder and wish about the paths of others, for the thought and trust of You do I move ever forward - sometimes running, sometimes tiptoe-ing, sometimes kicking/screaming/throwing a fit, but forward.


I believe; help my unbelief!
Mark 9:24

eh

I was SOO excited about the prospect of a stretch of days off, and was REALLY feeling compelled to make an effort to spend time with people and hang out during this time. I invited a string of people to go with me for Christmas shopping tomorrow, and EVERY ONE SAID NO.

(that sucks the spirit right out of you)


Small group was great tonight ---good conversation and togetherness. I'm very sad I won't get to attend the Christmas get-together. Just another way for work to jack up my attempts at a life here. I should've remembered---ANY TIME I'm free and want to hang out, everyone's busy, but the MOMENT I have plans, THATS when people ask and try to include me...


I had a great talk with a good man. I ended up telling him that from what I know of his actions in his current difficult situation, that he gives me hope for the kind of man I want in marriage, that they DO exist. What an excellent example and reminder, and a generally nice guy. There was an ease to the conversation, and it flowed amazingly smooth across topics---just a pleasure!



And then I felt the love as our whole dinner seating arrangement got upset because
"but I WANTED to sit by REGAN!", and I got to be silly and have fun conversation on my end of the booth, as I sat way too close to people and our lower extremities were all touching. (And I might have a carful the next time I go visit the Cross family?)


So thanks for the love, even if none of you will spend tomorrow day with me...

( jerks -----:) )

wound

So today I had plucked enough courage to attempt to sing @ church again. I wasn't feeling well, and I REALLY don't like singing in front of people, or being the center of attention, in general. I think part of me thinks that if people look long enough, they will see all my flaws through my armor. Also, singing for me is a really personal, vulnerable thing, but people had been bringing it up, asking when I would do it again, and I was reminded that it wasn't about me.

I got up there, trying to get as comfortable as I could with my general anxiety, and with being under the weather, I had part of a cough drop in my mouth while trying to sing. At the end of the first song, 4 teenagers I like are all laughing and trying to get my attention - to tell me that the cough drop in my mouth looks like chewing tobacco, and I realize that they are laughing at me as I'm up trying to do this incredibly hard thing, and I just want to run away...

(And as much as think astrological signs are crap, I do seem to identify with the crab---I have a seemingly even-keeled/tough exterior, but have the softest emotional underbelly)


God was able to get me through the rest of the service.

HiberNation, Day #2

So it's the 1st proper snow since I've been in Indiana, and I'm spending it under my mass of blankets, clutching the half-consumed bottle of orange juice. The sickness has moved around; not so much in my sinuses and throat but trying to congest up my head and chest.

(Amazingly, through all this, I feel half-way decent, and look unrealistically cute).

Other highlights for this week include being mistakenly thought of as looking younger (in a good sense) by a co-worker; Thursday night; and running into a new friend while shopping @ walmart.

I'm feeling like a bum, just laying around, but am hoping that it will be worth it if I can feel better soon. It's already December 4th?!? I need to get on buying presents...

Self

I generally seem to fluctuate between being Type A, and laid-back/easygoing. This week I seemed to experience a "now what?/WHY?" meltdown, just feeling many emotions from stressors that had slowly accumulated until there was an implosion.

I hate waiting, and I hate not knowing what other people are thinking/feeling/going to do.

God, help sustain me. Please help me to "keep my eyes on my own test", because it's SO easy to want to compare things to others, when I'm supposed to be ME in all this, as this is how I'm made. Help me to be content, and for others to appreciate me as well. You know my deepest struggles and desires, and You love me anyway. May I ever cling to You. God, help me with my interactions with those around me, and let it all be good.

I'm a jumbled girl-mess today

of emotions and expectations.

I could do with a nice, long hug.

(As it is, I guess the electric blanket will have to do...)


EDIT


...He soothes my doubts and calms my fears
and He dries all my tears...

Thanks, God.

Today

Today is proof that God has a sense of humor...

:|

What a week...

travelled, stayed with kids,
had to work on Thursday night - had a patient who wasn't great, but had gotten better since the last time I'd cared for him (off the vent)---
only to come in on Friday night and find that he'd died about an hour before I got there.

Unexpected, and yet not - I didn't see it coming.
That was the night that I sent another lady to hospice (for dying), then took this man's lines and tubes out, and bathed him, and put him in 'the bag'...

and then I took 2 new patients, one of which told me @ 4 am that I 'wasn't doing anything' and yelled at me...

I had a conversation with someone, and just have a BAD FEELING about it---the last time I had a bad feeling like this was the idea of voting for Obama :)...

It's been a workweek of sore body, and next week I have to drive to Indy every day for work-related stuff...


But PRAISE GOD!

Church was fantastic. Even in my slower state, I could tell God was there. The message was needed, and each song was perfect for its time.

I was able to weep for Tom (my patient who died - i always cry for my patients that die) at the best time, talk a little about my weariness, get prayer and hugs---something I really do miss.

I woke up about 30 minutes ago, and think I'm going to go treat myself to dinner out, as I haven't eaten since 1 AM, and why not? :)

Twilight

I'm indulging the teenage-girl part of myself and watching the Twilight movies I borrowed from my family members. I HATED the books, but the movies are better than the books, I think - a rare thing, although that's not saying much for the quality of either!

I think Bella's pretty annoying, and I never understood why all these guys were interested in her. I also think she should've chosen Jacob, but I've always had a soft spot for the 'best friend/good guy' vs the leading man (although they sorta explain it all away in the last book - which is horrible and ultra-creepy,overall).

Visit

I think I'm ready to go home now.
Nothing's bad; I'm just ready to go back to Indiana.

:)

2.5 more days...

Lovely day

So yesterday got sad

and then I went to work, to a potentially bad pair, that turned out alright (thanks to haldol!).

It was a pitch-in night, and I'd actually remembered to bring food. @ 10:45 pm I was asked if I'd want to go home early @ 11. I put my name into the drawing and I GOT IT! I was relieved by midnight, and was able to read an encouraging text related to the earlier sadness.

I got 9 hours of sleep (!!!!), woke up to a curly, curly, crazy head of hair :), and am pretty much packed for my trip.

Thank you, God, for all the good things you give to me.

A cry, revisited

And God responds:

with a meal
and Johnny Diaz's "Waiting room
and Matthew West's set
and a sweaty hug from a good friend

I wonder how many times someone can cry in one day?

A cry

God, I hate that in the midst of a celebration, that I had to leave because I was so overcome with sadness. I'm such a fake. I don't want to be strong any more. I hate being alone. Why do I have to be alone? It hurts so much. Why do I have to keep waiting, and not knowing? It hurts so much. I hate it. Please just help me. I don't know what to do. Please help...

Disappointed

...that's what can happen when communication isn't the best. I really tried, but it went down from there. I didn't know what was going to happen, because although I asked, you never told me, and although you knew logistics, you were indecisive, and I know that I was being sensitive to things and actions, and being nit-picky, and thinking about all the things that NEEDED to be done, rather than this. I think there was an unsure-ness on both our parts, that helped nothing.

God, help me with my disappointment. Let's get to the bottom of it, although I really don't want to...

Authenticity

So I'm reading a book on this, and I got the chance to do some this weekend, being honest about struggles, apparently so much so I made someone cry. And then I guess we got to another level of friendship, because this person shared things that I'd already known about, but then was trying to get my input/compare/contrast, etc., which I wasn't comfortable with. It made me wonder if I perceived her in her situation the way others saw me in a similar situation. It made me take a hard, uncomfortable look at myself.

I don't know if I can do this

Oh, Dear God, what are You doing? Please help.

(maybe going back to work tonight is a good thing).

ITunes fun

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 5369 items

Sort by song title:
First Song: Abide with Me – Moses Hogan
Last Song: 99 Red Balloons

Sort by album:
First: Come Together – The Beatles – Abbey Road
Last: (I have many non-albumed songs, but this is the last with an Album) Canon in D – Stuttgarter Kammerorchester &Karl Munchinger – 50 More Essential Pieces of Classical Music

Sort by length:
Shortest: Shut Up – Five Iron Frenzy :0:04
Longest: Rhapsody in Blue – Gershwin 15:59

Sort by artist:
First: ABBA
Last: 98 Degrees

Top 5 most played songs:
1. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham!
2. Do You Love Me – The Contours
3. Fly – Sara Groves
4. Fences - Paramore
5. Everybody – V V Brown

First song that comes up on shuffle:
Square One - Coldplay

Search:
"heart", how many songs come up? 60
"death", how many songs come up? 7
"love", how many songs come up? 333
"you", how many songs come up? 706


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Answers randomly shuffled and applied to questions

1. What's a weird phrase you like to say?
You Have Never Lived Because You Have Never Died ~ Listener

2. What's your life like?
Goodnight Wherever You Are~ Christin Nelson

3. What's something you've never said?
The More I See You ~ Michael Buble

4. What do you do at parties and stuff like that?
If Ever I Would Leave You ~ Robert Goulet

5. What's your love life like?
You Cannot Lose My Love~ Sara Groves 

6. What'll be your wedding song?
Pollution ~ Tom Lehrer

7. Your honeymoon song?
Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things) ~ Charlie Hall

8. Your best friend's theme song:
How Deep Is Your Love? ~ as sung by The Bird and The Bee

9. Your theme song:
On The Street Where You Live ~ as sung by Willie Nelson

10. Your parents' theme song:
My Phone’s On Vibrate For You ~ Rufus Wainwright

11. Your rocking out song:
You’re the Inspiration ~ Chicago  (yes, rockin’out in the 80s!)

12. The song you have on your iPod but can't stand to listen to:
You Belong With Me ~ Taylor Swift

13. The song that gets stuck in your head easily:
She Loves You ~ The Beatles

14. Your significant other's theme:
The Masochism Tango ~ Tom Lehrer (wow.)

15. The song for when you're about to do something stupid:
Do You Hear the People Sing? ~ from the musical Les Miserables

16. Your song for doing surveys to:
Stool Boom ~ from the movie Waiting for Guffman

17. How is your health?
You Are My Joy ~ David Crowder Band

18. Your childhood theme song:
Los Angeles, I’m Yours ~ the Decemberists

19. The song you first hear in your first car:
Since I don’t Have you ~ Brian Setzer Orchestra

20. At your funeral, the song then:
Farewell To All You People ~ Christin Nelson (um…)

21. Your first kids' song:
You Took Advantage of Me ~ Megan Mullally (um)

22. The Way you feel about your kids -
You’re Pretty Good Looking (for a girl) – The White Stripes

23. How are you feeling?
You Don’t Know Me – Michael Buble (actually, good lineup)

24. What are you looking forward to today?
Be True To Your School – The Beach Boys

25. What's your favorite thing to do?
Thank You For The Music - ABBA

26. What are you afraid of most?
Bless This Mess – David Bazan

27. What are you craving at the moment?
Breaking My Own Heart - Duffy

28. When you hear an annoying sound you say:
Set Me Up With One Of Your Friends – Chris Thile (great song!)

29. When you fall you think:
What Do You Do With A B.A. in English/It Sucks to Be Me – from the musical Avenue Q

30. Before you fall asleep you think of:
Telephone – Lady Gaga

31. How do you feel about the people you love?
All Creatures of Our God and King – David Crowder Band

32. What comes to mind when you think of someone you hate?
According to You – Orianthi (nice!)

33. What's something you always keep in mind?
Me and You – She and Him

34. What's your motto?
You Can Have Me – Sidewalk Prophets

35. Your reason for waking up in the morning:
Are You Gonna Be My Girl? - JET

36. Your crush has the quality of:
You Are So Special Because You Are So Unique – Listener & EQ

37. When you taste something amazing, you think:
If I Die Young – The Band Perry

38. How you feel about your pets:
I’m Looking Through You – The Beatles

39. When describing yourself you tell people:
Little Things - Pomplamoose

40. When people say "your mom" you think:
Stuck on You - Elvis

41. The rain reminds you of:
The Way You Look Tonight – as performed by Maroon 5

42. Models make you think of:
OK it’s Alright With Me – Eric Hutchinson

43. What is your deepest darkest secret?
Til There Was You – as performed by The Beatles

44. In your past life you were:
Crazy For You – Adele 


45. Describe your room:
And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going – Jennifer Holliday

46. How would you describe your favorite memory?
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You – as performed by Lauryn Hill

47. To you, what do smelly socks represent?
My Life Would Suck Without You – Kelly Clarkson

48. How about the American flag?
Only The Good Die Young – Billy Joel

49. A hot guy/girl?
You Alone – David Crowder Band

50. What comes to mind when you hear a car alarm?
Happy to Be Stuck With You – Huey Lewis and the News

Again...

HOW DO I GET MYSELF INTO THINGS LIKE THIS?!?!?

(I'm so glad I can find the humor, because I'm also irritated and annoyed. This does not bode well...)

Oh God, please help me with my attitude in all this. You know all aspects of this, so I ask for Your hands to guide toward good outcomes, as much as possible.

Runaway imagination, or Intestines, Intestines

I had a chance to use it earlier to assist in a friend's comic-book endeavor, and now it's in over-drive. I miss this. Awhile ago I put away the fictionality, because real life could be just as fantastic as the make-believe, but at the same time, it is rewarding to lose one's self down the rabbit hole and just get away from reality for awhile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intestines, Intestines, we all have two kinds
they connect our stomachs to our behinds
Intestines, Intestines, also known as our guts
are made of a tube full of linings and ruts
nutrients from food are absorbed as fuel
all parts leftover will come out as stool

Ree wind

I talked with a friend last night, and she mentioned it had been 7 years since her mom died.

I remember that summer. She came up from Miami to visit, staying with us as she had since the summer after HS graduation. I remember the 4th of July - I had been in a wedding that afternoon in a backyard, one that would fall apart within a year. I also received my first marriage proposal :).

(A lot has happened since then, but I still remember that)

I feel like death...

I'm still slightly sore all over from work. The last two nights I've had just generally larger patients, so maneuvering them in the beds takes more effort, plus I assisted with some chest compressions last night.

After work my stomach was a little upset, but not too bad. I went for food for a birthday, then ice cream, and when I got home, my stomach started full-force to attempt to burrow out of my body.

I've taken medicine, and am now curled up in the fetal position with my laptop and water bottle.

(I have more to write, and thought I'd be able to finish, but I think I'll wait)

Talk/Prayer

I wonder if people @ church talk about me the way I've heard them talk about others....
(I don'tknow how I feel about that...)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God, as I strip the wallpaper off this wall, you've impressed upon me the need to pray for someone I don't even know. God, I don't know Your relationship with this woman, but please help her. Let her realize that the past cannot be changed, but now is the time for action. There are things more important in life, and help her to be pro-active in spending time and getting to know those around her, while they are still close at hand and able to be known. Open her eyes and help her to see and appreciate the gifts within reach. Help her relationships with people. My heart aches over this situation. People let others down - it's a constant that will happen, but let this woman be bold enough to suck it up and be able to step up to the plate, and if not, provide others that can do it in her stead.

I REALLY hate Satan

I hate that he lurks, and is able to slip in and plant thoughts, no matter how great the situation is. I hate that I will start to react to those thoughts, and then get mad because I know where they came from, and am mad with myself that I didn't invoke my Jesus to make him run. I often hate how, once Satan puts in a thought, and I react, then realize its from him, that Jesus takes over, Satan flees, and then we again have to sit with the thought, and walk through it and love the thought, when I'd really just like to throw it and run the other way. I occasionally hate being optimistic and hopeful, but as a woman of Jesus, I HAVE to cling to Him and to that hope, or else just lay down and die right now.





(again, not emo)

40 mph

is my natural speed limit for driving and crying.

(And I'm really not this emo in person--this blog has just become a receptacle for such things)

Tonight was good, and nice, and awkward. I met new people and got to sorta be around people. It was a good setting. Maybe next time I'll talk more. It was a big enough group that I felt like I was having a naturally hard time talking and connecting, and I didn't know enough people to be comfortable yet, and they are all in the same life group, so they had that tie, and are all married. It was odd, because I'm almost positive I was the oldest one there, and yet we are at completely different parts of life. It was a good night, and I was thankful I got invited--just another learning/growing experience.

God, help me to get over myself and insecurities as they arise. I am Yours, and in Your image--help me to hold tight to that. Help me with my 'soft spot' as only You know how to do.

I think we should do things that scare us...

...like singing in front of people (which I did on Sunday, as part of the worship team). By the time it was in front of the church, it was the 3rd time, and I was a little less freaked. Even so, I was REALLY GLAD I did it bare-footed, because if I'd been wearing shoes (of any kind), I'm pretty sure I'd have fallen over. As it was, by the end, both legs from the knees down were numb. I don't know if I'll do it again, but I think it was a good experience for me to do.

Lunch was good. It was my 1st Viejo mariachi band experience. (excellent musicians). Also interesting interactions.

Thoughts of an early morning

I awoke to the thought: I enjoy hugs. And then I opened my eyes.

As I laid in bed, I thought about hugs--the giving and receiving of them (any type) as a sign of caring and about how in most instances, its the re-iteration that in this space, in this moment, the creation of a safe space, which just the thought of produces a relaxing sigh from me.

I also thought about the sharing of a meal. Any time of togetherness over food - the sitting down for a meal is an opportunity to interact that is within its own area.

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(and a late-night friend was on facebook, and we talked about life, and he asked what he could pray about for me, and I almost cried.)

Another reason why I shouldn't drink...

So I went to Target tonight, and on a whim got some Jack Daniels (because I don't like beer very much). At Target, they now have alarms on each individual bottle, around the neck. I got the rest of my supplies and went to check out. The check-out girl had to call a supervisor to come get the alarm off of my bottle, but the supervisor didn't know how, so she started finding various other employees to ask them if they knew how to release my bottle. She'd walk all over the store, with me following her around. It took about 10 people and 20 minutes, but I finally got my bottle back.

I also heard the Columbus North marching band---SOOO good! I was very impressed.

Looking back/ Coffee Cry

(so it was only later that I realized I went out to dinner with 4 guys, 2 I had met less than 30 minutes before, and 2 I had been introduced to about a month before, but never really talked with ---and it was an interesting amalgm of people)





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O coffee, o coffee, oh why must you burn
I give you my love, some day I will learn
o coffee my innards are warm to my guts
you nag at my stomach and its squishy ruts
o coffee, oh when will this love/hateness end?
As soon as my GI tract's back on the mend

Long Day

-food @ Ihop
-worked on church library with books
-created a 'needs' area on church website for cleaning
-created attendance slips
-hung out
-got food
-sang while being crazy-scared
-listened to Listener
-helped Listener pack
-ate w/Listener
-came home
-slept for 4 hours and am now freakishly awake.
-now updating Itunes, had a craving for Spaghettios (so ate that), and getting ready to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle on Hulu.com while waiting for sleep to return.

Awake?

woke up yesterday at 3 pm, stayed awake until 2:30 this afternoon (23.5 hrs), slept for 3 hours until 530(26/3) and am STILL AWAKE (31/3). Took medicine and hoping for a pass out. Goonite.

After 2 days, I called for the cat, and she came, and was in the house for awhile. I put her out on the (screened in) back porch. When I woke up, she was gone, so either the cat got out thru a push screen door (possible), or Hazel has moved to Indiana and 'borrowed' my cat (which is funny and creepy @ the same time, so I'll think of the first...)

I miss people, which is slightly crazy, because I know I've done a fair bit of interacting this week, but I think today its been brought on by the beautiful Labor Day weekend, and me working, imagining people hanging out and doing fun things while I work or sleep. I think the feeling like I'm missing out on something makes me more cranky than the sleep schedule.

I'm reading a great book about the soul, death, grief, and bluegrass music. i want to hug this book. It makes me think that as Christians, it seems that we should feel more, as we should be aware of the implications of the soul within all aspects of life. I think it gets forgotten, and in a world that is not of the best things, grief is a real thing.

Last night of orientation.

Switcheroo

It's amazing how quickly things can change. You think it will be one sort of a day, and the next thing you know, another type of day has walked up and slapped you in the face, standing back to see your response.

My insecurities have been unknowingly been dumped over my head, to see if any will stick. The episode in question happened over a month ago---a friend in conversation gave me a mirror, and since then it gets pulled it out on occasion and used to cut the conversation and sniff the words; using seemingly innocuous things and taking them within in the most hurtful ways. In my head I know the words weren't intended for this, but it's an easy target - a chink in the armor. Sometimes I wish the heart could be turned off as easily as one can turn off the water to a toilet; then I think that it might be good for a moment, but if you keep trying to use it, unwanted waste will build up, which means more work in the long run.

So I'll keep the water to my heart open - it keeps the runoff valve of my eyes in check.

God, You know the situation, and the hearts and minds involved. I can only control my actions, thoughts, and feelings, but I need Your help. Thank you for being a part of my life.

My head is full...

of things that need to be written down, so here I go.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been thinking about spiritual gifts and how those are areas where people are natually talented. Sometimes, however, there are areas that you aren't aware that you're good in, or are good, but afraid until you are open to the possibility and have the opportunity to try. I think being open to possibilities is a great thing, but can be hard to do. Humans have pre-conceived notions on everything. What a feat to trust in God and be willing to let Him take charge of your life, no matter what happens.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Friday night I had my first patient die since moving to Indiana. I've had about 6 or 7 patients die where I've actually been present for the death, and it's something you never fully get used to. I have cried for all my patients that have died. It's an honor and a tragedy to experience.

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Hair

the urge to cut it is increasing. Maybe I'll look into places around here, or see if L'erin would like to take a crack at it...

'Vintage Jesus'

Awoke early (before 7-Central) and rolled out of my deep dent in the air mattress. Ate Oreos and read on 'Vintage Jesus'. So far, a good book - it's like having a theology discussion with a friend.I think it's got good stuff. I'm about 1/3rd through. Hope it keeps up, and that 'Doctrine', which is waiting on my bed @ home, will be just as good.

(Continuation)

I fell asleep again, and now have sore ears and throat--and actually, am amused and relieved :). Drinking water and hot tea and have medicine...

Frustrated

-in regards to my sleep. I know that it's not even been a full week, but I feel like with as many naps as I'm taking, that I SHOULD be sick. I'm told that I 'should build a routine' and that I 'will get used to it', but right now I just feel EXHAUSTED.

(and I JUST woke up from yet another extended nap).

Hurry up and wait

that is how I feel today - unsettled and uneasy, but not really sure why. I have things I could do/should do, but even in motion, I can't shake this.

(also waiting for a call, which isn't helping)

God, no matter what I do, I can't change this. Only You can provide me peace and ease my unsettled-ness. Help me to feel You at work.

Catching up

(Last week I was stressed over the prospect of working nights, then I worked nights, and have been in the process of RECOVERING from those nights, which is why my posts have lagged...)

Also last week I emailed my grandmother. She has been married twice in her lifetime, and I didn't know how she had met her husbands, so I was curious to know. It was a good email, and I'm glad that I asked.

I've begun reading 'Vintage Jesus' by Mark Driscoll et. al. (because I can't remember the other author's name - and I also bought his book - 'Doctrine') and I had a 'C.S. Lewis' moment, getting so excited by what I was reading that I had to make myself put down the book...

Life

There is a theme going on. It's amazing how all the books I've been reading lately ('Waking the Dead', 'Chasing Daylight', and now 'A Million Miles in A Thousand Years') deal with life - specifically, ACTIVELY living life and the how to engage in the story of your life. After a long hiatus, I watched the whole of the 'Lord of the Rings' movies. The epic myth called out to my soul, to remind of the important things of life.

On Sunday, as I sat eating a wonderfully greasy patty melt and listened to talk of ministry, I just again felt the impetus to contribute; to DO something. I basically ended up begging for something, anything; tasks. And then as I worked through the tasks found for me, I just felt honored to be assisting in work that would count, taking a little off the plates of others so they could focus on other things. In my mind on numerous times through the day came the parable of the talents - about being faithful with a few things, and then being able to be put over many things. I really don't know at this point what my preferences would be in assisting, but I feel well on my way to hopefully being faithful with what I am given.

Wants vs. Needs

I've been thinking about this for awhile - Wants vs. Needs

and I think sometimes our 'wants' can get in the way of the 'best thing' (aka 'need'). Sure, it's good to have an idea of preferences, but there needs to be some flexibility. I think of my brother and sister-in-law = his 'wants' in a woman were, among other things, 'tall' and 'musically inclined/singer'. My sister-in-law is not tall, and while she greatly enjoys music, does not have the best ear. I think it took him awhile to realize this was the woman for him - that she is a 'need' in his life.

At 28, being a nurse in Indiana and single never would've made the list of possibilites. And that's why God knows better than me. Sometimes I wonder 'why', but I know there are things in play I don't know about yet, or may never know. I try to 'want' the 'best things' - to TRUST the path I'm on and the God that creates my itinerary. Being single really can suck. It makes my heart ache, and I once again get to take those aches back to God. I know that I'm getting practice that makes perfect, as God is the only one that can help soothe those hurts. My favorite thought in those moments is that there IS someone, and that for some reason, they aren't ready yet. That man is currently working through trials and struggles with God, and that some day, our paths of life may merge. My worst thought is that 'singleness is the end' - which is a very self-centered thought that brings about a torrent of emotions. It makes me fearful, and opens up parts of my heart that I hold close and tight, and need to be given back to God , so that He will do what He wants with them. If singleness is to always be mine, I would hope to be like the character in 'The Great Divorce', about whom they say that she was a parent to every child she met, and that when men met her, that just interacting with her made them go love their families and be better fathers and husbands.

I know what I 'want', but God knows what I 'need'; He holds 'the best things' and He will win out so long as I can get out of my own way.

Weeks

This past week was much better than the week before.

The week before had statements, and talks, and stress, and emotions.

This week I got the opportunity to spend time around others, which was good. It was nice to just be able to sit and talk, and enjoy another's company.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about next week, as that's when I'll be transitioning to night shift
:(. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a bear, if you happen to see me at all, so good luck when attempting to interact with me.

Breakable

Tomorrow we're going to do a 'terminal wean' on one of my patients. Her family has decided to take her off the ventilator and extubate her. I will most likely be present for her death - my first patient to die while I'm taking care of them since the new job.

My job is amazing. Every day it makes me take the focus off of myself and fight for the concerns of another. It provides perspective and reveals what things are petty, and cuts to the bone to show what things are truly important.

(I'm already tearing up, and it's not tomorrow yet).

So I'll say my favorite prayer - God, help.

:)

'If I Stand' and "Hold Me, Jesus"--Rich Mullins

'There's more that rises in the morning than the sun
and more that shines in the night than the moon
It's more than this fire here that keeps me warm
in a shelter that is larger than this room

and there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
and a music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of All Good Things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise You will pull me though
and if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you
If I sing, let me sing for the joy that has borne in me these songs
and if I weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies than the wind
and more that pulses in the ocean than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's, when her baby's at her side

and there's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiment
and music higher than the songs that I can sing
The stuff of earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of All Good Things

So if I stand, let me stand on the promise that You will pull me though
and if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You
and if I sing, let me sing for the joy that has borne in me these songs
and if I weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home."







"Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big, and my faith just seems so small

So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
it's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
than to take what You have that I need.
and I beat my head against so many walls
I'm fallin' down, I'm fallin' on my knees...

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
and Your grace rings out so deep, it makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

I'm singin', Hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace

Passage

Psalm 138:3 (NKJV)

In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me BOLD with strength in my soul.

(THIS is my verse for the week---

BOLD
1.not hesitating or fearful in the face of actual or possible danger or rebuff; courageous and daring.

2.not hesitating to break the rules of propriety;forward; impudent.

3.necessitating courage and daring; challenging.

4.beyond the usual limits of conventional thought or action; imaginative

5.striking or conspicuous to the eye; flashy; showy

6. steep;abrupt

7. nautical.deep enough to be navigable close to the shore.

8.printing. type set in boldface

9. obsolete.trusting; assured.

The Fellowship of the Ring

Just finished watching this movie. I began it earlier in the week after not seeing it for such a time.

I really do love and identify with the character of Sam - just the loyalty, love, care and faith he displays.

It's just a great movie series.

(and now, off to do some more painting!)

Recent 'Waking The Dead' Quotes

'The more that wisdom enters our hearts, the more we will be able to trust our hearts in difficult situations.'

'We don't seek wisdom because it's a good idea; we seek wisdom because we're dead if we don't.'

'There's more that Jesus wants to say to you, much more, and now that his Spirit resides in your heart, the conversation can continue. Many good people never hear God speak to them personally for the simple fact that they've never been told that he does.'

He heals up the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3

A Fearsome Creature to Behold

So, I am in the process of reading John Eldredge's 'Waking The Dead', and got to the part where John is in the wilderness, encountering God and asking about his 'true name' - the name God has for his true self.

And so, just off-hand, I ask God what mine is.

Today, I've been having in-depth texting conversations; I'm pretty sure I've been ignoring people around me. I just felt like I need to interact with these two people.

And one called me the words in the title, and I almost cried.

(I don't know if it's my 'true name', but I will happily take that as my title :) )

In case you were wondering,

there's nothing on tv at 5:30 am on a Saturday in Indiana.

:(

7/14

IKEA

I finally went.

I want to live there.

It was visually overwhelming.

It was an interesting trip, because I spent one-on-one time with another for the first time ---I thought it went well.

The seen and the unseen

This morning my work day of orientation classes was later, so I was looking forward to sleeping in until 6. At 5 am, I awake to the sound of the small bell on the cat's collar just FREAKING out, ringing like mad. I tell the cat to be quiet; to lay down. I wing a stuffed animal and pillow in her general direction, all the while moaning how I'm losing my lie-in. The noise finally stops, and I roll over.

I get out of bed at 6, and right behind where my head is on the bed, where the cat was making a ruckus, is a dead mouse.

My morning was spent between freaking that another mouse was in the house, and profusely apologizing and thanking the cat.

And then I started the book, 'Waking the Dead' by John Eldredge, today at lunch, and just laughed. It talks about the seen and the unseen; stepping out of the everyday life and into the extraordinary; myth and the bigger picture; an ongoing struggle....

When I get to see how it all gets tied in, I can't help but smile.



(Still could use some prayer, please)

I'm pretty sure God is amazing...

...because this afternoon I was feeling my alone-ness, and today I have been provided people to interact with, and while 'alone' may have its moments of suck, I will never fully be alone unless I do it to myself.

Thank you, God, for these wonderful folk of yours. Their care for me touches me more than words can say. Help provide times to cultivate deeper relationships as we travel along. Stretch me beyond myself, and hold my heart ever always.

Time to think

I don't know.
I know my thoughts, and I see things, yet others show whole worlds--Did I just not see?
Or just not know?
(I don't know)
I am not quite sure which parts are real
or how long to wait
something will happen-
either the explosion of a firecracker
or the slowburn of a sparkler until it gradually dies out
I don't know which
but either way, am concerned for my hands.
My only decision is how to turn away
so that regardless of the outcome
I'll be able to find some pleasure as whatever happens, happens



(It's time to go back to work. Hospitals are great for putting life and concerns into perspective. I'm glad that God knows me, and knows best).

Listener and 'Soul Cravings'

Went to experience Listener tonight.
Good stuff.

Then bought stuff,helped pack up, and ate food with them and Columbus friends.
(I would be friends with them--aka my best compliment to give out---They are awkward and quick).

So I finally finished 'Soul Cravings' by Erwin Raphael McManus. It was an interesting book, split mainly between the topics of love and purpose. The purpose section (the back half) had a couple deep puddles for my mind to wade thru, and I might have to come back and chew on that more later.

I'm going to put up some stuff from the love section:

Entry #11: Chased by Love (Please Don't Run Too Fast)

In Chasing Daylight, I describe a time when a team of us were in the Middle East. I had been invited to speak to a group of Muslims, specifically about the history of Christianity. Pressed by my translator to answer a question that I had somewhat evaded, I was left with nowhere to go but to talk more specifically and personally about Jesus. I had been discribing to them my own sense of disappointment with and even distain of the religion of Christianity. They all quickly agreed that as a religion, there were deep problems and inconsistencies between beliefs and practices.

But eventually they wanted to know what exactly was the meaning behind the coming of Jesus. Somewhat apprehensively I began my best effort to translate back into a Middle Eastern context the story of Jesus (after all, this was Jesus' home turf) and, more specifically, why it would be necessary for God to become human. This, from my vantage point, was the story of God. It's a love story, by the way.

"I once met a girl named Kim."

My translator looked at me, confused. I'm sure he was wracking his brain, trying to remember some biblical character named Kim. He stopped translating and just looked at me. I encouraged him to simply translate.

"I once met a girl named Kim, and I fell in love."

I continued, "I pursued her with my love and pursued her with my love until I felt my love had captured her heart. So I asked her to be my wife, and she said no." I could feel their empathy, if not their pity.

"I was unrelenting and asked her again, pursuing her with my love, and I pursued her with my love until she said yes."

There was a huge relief thoughout the entire room.
I went on. "I did not send my brother, nor did I send a friend. For in the issues of love, you must go yourself."

"This is the story of God: he pursues you with his love and pursues you with his love, and you have perhaps not said yes. And even if you reject his love, he pursues you ever still. It was not enough to send an angel or a prophet or any other, for in the issues of love, you must go yourself. And so God has come.

This is the story of Jesus, that God has walked among us and he pursues us with his love. He is very familiar with rejection but is undeterred. And he is here even now, still pursuing you with his love."

The images we often receive of Muslims are that they're angry, hostile, and violent people. I can tell you that in this moment I knew there was something transcendent that connected all of our hearts and souls together. A belieft that was supposed to divide us strangely united us, and I feel most certain that I know why. Every human being longs for love. The possibility that God is love is an almost overwhelming prospect.

In that moment the story of Jesus was not about who is right and who is wrong, what God's name is and who is prophet is, but what exactly God's motivation toward humanity is. If the message that God wants to get across to us is just about getting our beliefs right, then he didn't need to come himself. If God's entire intent was to clarify right from wrong, no personal visitation was necessary. If the ultimate end was simply to overwhelm us with the miraculous so that we would finally believe, then even God taking on flesh and blood and walk among us was far from necessary.

There is only one reason for God to come himself, because in issues of love, you just can't have someone else stand in for you.

When it comes to love, it has to be fact-to-face. There has to be contact. Love cannot exist where there is only distance. Love can survive distance, but only by the strength of what comes through intimacy.

Like Solomon's love, God is going up and down the streets of the city, traveling the most obscure paths and untamed wilderness, walking on unnamed roads in the the most desolate of places, searching for the one he loves --and that one is you and me and every human being who has ever walked this earth, has taken a breath, and has longed for love.

Religion exists not because God loves too little, but because we need love so much. In the end all religions misrepresent God. They either dictate requirements for love or simply become a requiem for love. I think many of us have rightly given up on God on this basis alone. We've been told that God is a reluctant lover and that his standards must be met before there can be any talk of love. This is lunacy. Love exists because God is love. Our souls will never find satisfaction until our hearts have found this love that we so desperately yearn for.

God is not passive, for love is never passive, but always passionate; and passion always leads to action




The book also touched on the topic of community, which I'm slowly working back into, and since it also got mentioned tonight, I notice it's on the TO DO list :)

Next book is 'The Book of Romance' by Tommy Nelson. I found this book today @ HalfPrice Books. We did Tommy's Song of Solomon video study thru the BSU in college, and it was very illuminating. I got the book because I would like to be refreshed on the topic, and because I am a girl, and while I may not have it oozing from the pores, I am a romantic at heart. As a single, it's encouraging to me to read about actual relationships, interactions, and theories within a biblical framework, rather than just romance novel crap, where I'd just get wound up and frustrated.

(It's my 2nd night this week of being up this late ---I should probably go to bed, as I have a church meeting tomorrow morning. Goodnight!)

Good stuff

I'm shocked I'm still coherent. I got between 3.5 and 4 hours of sleep this morning, yet woke (dare I say refreshed!), and grinning, and worked 12 hours relatively chipper!

(and I'm still awake, but not for too much longer)

I don't know what it has been about Indiana that creates change for me - Even before I moved here, visits would be amazing/awful/revealing/true/defining,etc., and I remember thinking - 'and how much MORE will that be when I'm actually living there!' I'm not sure if I'm more open, or just being in an 'other' place makes me more aware, or what.

God, Thank you for your Good things. Help me to keep looking for them, wherever you may put them.

3rd of July

Came outside to see if I could catch a glimpse of some fireworks, but I'm too surrounded by trees, so I'm on the back porch with the cat, enjoying the sounds of the holiday.

Fireworks are one of those things that I don't completely understand (how chemicals can be packed in a certain way so as to create different colors and shapes in midair), and yet I enjoy them, in spite of the uncertainty.



On an unrelated note, I've been thinking for about the last 2 weeks or so that my relationship with God should be like my cat's relationship with me. I should seek God always, talk with him any time of the day or night, want to be as close as I can and not let him out of my sight, and depend on him as my lifeline. Thank you, Black Cat, for being my example, and for coming along on this journey known as Indiana.

Sometimes God makes me laugh, because that's all I can do. This week is the direct opposite of last week. This week, (so far) work has been an even keel. Sunday evening I was allowed access to a conversation that was unexpected and has been on my heart and mind ever since (so it's a GOOD thing that work has been fairly steady!). And then the laptop hard drive was overtaken by the blue screen of death (and I wept, only just partially about the computer, because THIS is really about THAT).

And on one of my drives up to work, thinking and attempting not to cry again over the conversation, the thought entered my mind that 'God never gives us more than we can handle', and out loud I said, "Oh, really. You think I can handle this? Well, I'm just giving it right back to you, because I don't want it and don't know what to do with it!"

I'm almost done with "Through Painted Deserts", and have started "Soul Cravings" by Edwin MacManus. Is it bad that I picked it up @ HalfPriceBooks because I liked the cover? Today I started it while in class, and read through a third of it after small group. That part was on love and people and God, and reminded me of C.S. Lewis :).

WHAT?!?!

can we go back to the beginning of the conversation?

PRAYER
PRAYER
AND
MORE PRAYER

Passage of the Day - "Through Painted Deserts"

"You know what I want in a woman, Paul?"
"What's that?"
" A friend. A true friend, someone who knows me and loves me anyway. You know, like when I'm through putting my best foot forward, she's still there, still the same. I meet these people and it's all conditional, like you were saying. They are in it for themselves. They are friends with you because you fit the image they want to portray. It's a selfish thing. Do you know what I mean? I'd like to get a girl who doesn't think like that. Don't get me wrong. She's got to be proud of her husband, I know that. I don't mind trying to make it easy on her in that way. But all in all, there's got to be some sort of soul mate thing going on. That's gonna take work, I think. There are some people in this world who love their spouse because they provide them with the life they want, and there are others who love their spouse because they've chosen to, or because love has chosen them, or whatever. Something way back endeared one to the other and they made a decision to lock into it."

A good day.

Timing

So I have this 3-in-1 of Donald Miller books. I bought it on sale, and I'd enjoyed 'Blue Like Jazz'. I had re-read that one, and 'Searching For God Knows What', but never got to the last book.

Warp speed ahead years, to the last couple weeks---
I'm in a reading phase, where I just grab whatever's on the shelves. I didn't think I'd read book 2 of 3, so I started, and while I realized after I began that I had, I decided to finish it.

And now i'm at book 3 - 'Through Painted Deserts'

and it's about leaving, and change....

"I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently..."

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
LEAVE.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will be changed." Donald Miller, 'Through Painted Deserts' (and THAT'S just the Author's Note @ the beginning!)



I've also been thinking about that verse in Zephaniah (3:17). In case you were wondering, my favorite part is "He will quiet you with his love", with the rest "He will rejoice over you with singing" being a close second. These parts are perfect. Life can become very hectic with many thoughts and background noise, and just to know God's love for me is so powerful and amazing that it can quiet my life, it DOES quiet my life as I sigh into the wave of love as it washes over me, again and again. The next part makes me think of a musical, where characters are so full of emotion that they burst into song. I'm pretty sure that if a PERSON sang to me, I'd be a puddle, so knowing that the God of the universe is so emotion-filled over me that He's bursting into song---I'm pretty much dumbfounded (aka "quieted with his love).

Musings on Joy

Because of a prior conversation, this week I've been thinking about joy, and the question of how one shares joy. Here are my thoughts on the subject...

Joy is an aspect of the fruit of the Spirit (listed at #2 of 9, seconded to love). It seems to be independent of situation; it's an underlying current within this life as waves of emotion dance on the surface, however it can interact with those emotions if remembered.

And that was the word that kept re-occurring this week: remember.

It can be very easy to 'go with the flow' of life and react to whatever happens - that is the way of the world. But as I go along, I need to remember - remember who I am (a daughter of the King), and of what Jesus has done for me. I need to remember that as I travel though this life, I am an ambassador and possess the joy of relationship with Christ and the gift of eternal life. I am to remember and to carry this with me so that as I interact with others, the joy of the Lord is able to be seen, no matter the situation.

If you want me to

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and I don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
I will walk through the valley if you want me to

because I'm not who I was when I took my first step
and I'm clingin to the promise you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
then I will go through the fire if you want me to

it may not be the way I would've chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said I'd never go alone

so when the whole world's turned against me and I'm all by myself
and I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and I'll go through the valley if you want me to

('If you want me to' by Ginny Owens)

It's been a hard day/afternoon. My raw edges of emotions have crept out. Just feeling disconnected and alone, more so than usual. (On the up side, my running to Jesus is getting faster). Right now, I'm trying to sit with it all. It's so hard, not knowing specifics, but if I did, would I have done it? I honestly can't say.

But God is good, and to that I cling. With all the uncertainties, HIS lovingkindness/grace/mercy/love is bedrock foundation.

Oh, God, help me to be faithful and to trust, even when I don't understand and my emotions run amok. Help me to be the person you're shaping me to be, and do what you need to for that to occur. PLEASE help me with cultivating patience. I want to be worthy of your best when it is provided to me. Provide me with opportunities to show the world the joy that is found within a relationship with you. Help me with my interactions with others.

Happy Father's Day to the perfect Father of all. Thank you.
In Jesus' name, Amen

Good Night

'Oh soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness to see?
There's light for a look at the Savior
And grace, more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace'

Small group went well. There were 3 of us, and we just got to share and relate. The more people that are around, the harder I find it to share and open up, so tonight was a more comfortable setting for me.

Another spoke

So today I found out my ex-boyfriend is engaged.
I guess it happened awhile ago...

...and I experienced an ache, so then I thought about WHY that happened.

It's not because of the persons involved (congrats to them, by the way), but a personal longing for a Godly relationship that would head to marriage. And while I knew great rational insights in my head about how marriage is not the be-all/end-all, at that time, my eyes were leaking.I do hold hope that some day I may date again. (Just another spoke in my Wheel of Patience!)

Favorite chapter

So I'm in a reading phase, and am re-reading "Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality" by Rob Bell, which I'm pretty sure is my favorite so far of his books, mainly because I have a favorite chapter in this book

Chapter six
'Worth Dying For'

It helps illuminate from another perspective the issue of 'submission' (in daily life and in marriage)in a way that is challenging and uplifting at the same time. I'd post my favorite part, but would basically just put up the whole chapter. It gives me hope...

It's been a weekend of crazy-rain @ night. It makes me thankful for the ability to pull my car into the garage. Church and lunch were good. I got to tell my story to some more people, which is always nice to do when there is the time to do it properly. I ended up taking a nap this afternoon - I fell asleep on the couch while watching 'Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium'.

NEON SIGN

"Pursue patience by waiting"

(it's amazing what you see when you're looking for it)

Today I saw lots of those signs, plus I have a new favorite verse--Zephaniah 3:17. It's chock-full of goodness, and my favorite part of it helped me sleep last night.


(The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.)

So close, and yet so far

I've been attempting to dig in with both hands - to study and learn; read and comprehend.
Simple ideas, so profound as I roll them over in my mouth and mind.
I feel uncomfortable; pressure - a knowing that things aren't as they should be
until I cry out
My heart explodes as I hold it out
and ask for it to be reconstructed
again
The deepest parts are the darkest
in most need of the light
Sit to hear
best time ever spent
Help
and we will walk on
I cannot see and do not trust myself
but Your record is perfect
if I can remember
and hold tight
until all around is light

Married

So it's been a good weekend, and great day of community, even WITH getting sunburnt. I was going along, and going to scrape some wallpaper, then found a dead mouse under the sink.

I did a good girl freakout, and as I walked to the car to get the work gloves, I thought, "Man, I wish I were married."

Because besides the obvious (love,family,sex,etc), my mind is ever working in practicalities. I don't LIKE having to figure out how to dispose of a dead mouse, and if I were married, there would be someone there to provide AT LEAST the OPTION of me not having to do it. (I can do a lot of things; some times, though, it'd be nice to not necessarily do it all the time for myself). So far, my practical list contains: performing tick-check, killing spiders/insects, moving heavy things, decisions, snow removal (especially at 4 am!) and now mouse-disposal.

Off the Wall

So, I'm moving in approx. a week. It's a very surreal feeling- to be going about your daily routine with the thought in the back of your mind that its all going to be turned on its head soon.

I'm pretty much packed up, and all my worldly goods are in one room of the apartment. Carpets cleaned/vaccuumed, movers lined up, have my 4 furniture pieces for a huge rental house thats a miracle in and of itself.

Standing on the edge of leaving, you get to find out how people really feel about you, and I've been happy and surprised with what I've learned. One co-worker gave me a big hug today when we realized we wouldn't see each other next week before I left. (But it's okay - we're facebook friends). Another, one of the nurse practitioners, when I told her where my job would be, told me that I'd 'do really well there/do a good job'.

This weekend will be the last time I spend any substantial time in my hometown before moving. (I try not to think about this too much, because I'm a girl and often can be too sentimental, my imagination can get the better of me, and if I dwell, it is entirely possible I will cry).

I love my family very much and will miss them very much.

Jumpstart

It's amazing how a seemingly bad experience can yield good things.

I was sick, I was cold, I had received some news that made my heart hurt, I couldn't sleep--
and out of midst of the whirlwind, I received an awareness of the quiet, calming presence of God revealing honest truths and putting forth no-nonsense, yet loving questions to ponder. Conversation,tears,love--nights of pain and uncertainty on my end as I ever am being fitted to less of me, while clinging to trust and faith in God as I am stretched/formed into the best kind of myself.

Lately

-Working on vacations - one has a plane ticket bought, one probably will by the next weekend. I'm excited about doing some travelling.

-I hit my arm with the hatchback at the laundromat this morning. I'm gonna have a nice bruise.

-Have you ever been around anyone, and just the simple act of their presence brings you down? I've experienced that, and its just sad on many different levels.