Authenticity

So I'm reading a book on this, and I got the chance to do some this weekend, being honest about struggles, apparently so much so I made someone cry. And then I guess we got to another level of friendship, because this person shared things that I'd already known about, but then was trying to get my input/compare/contrast, etc., which I wasn't comfortable with. It made me wonder if I perceived her in her situation the way others saw me in a similar situation. It made me take a hard, uncomfortable look at myself.

I don't know if I can do this

Oh, Dear God, what are You doing? Please help.

(maybe going back to work tonight is a good thing).

ITunes fun

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 5369 items

Sort by song title:
First Song: Abide with Me – Moses Hogan
Last Song: 99 Red Balloons

Sort by album:
First: Come Together – The Beatles – Abbey Road
Last: (I have many non-albumed songs, but this is the last with an Album) Canon in D – Stuttgarter Kammerorchester &Karl Munchinger – 50 More Essential Pieces of Classical Music

Sort by length:
Shortest: Shut Up – Five Iron Frenzy :0:04
Longest: Rhapsody in Blue – Gershwin 15:59

Sort by artist:
First: ABBA
Last: 98 Degrees

Top 5 most played songs:
1. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham!
2. Do You Love Me – The Contours
3. Fly – Sara Groves
4. Fences - Paramore
5. Everybody – V V Brown

First song that comes up on shuffle:
Square One - Coldplay

Search:
"heart", how many songs come up? 60
"death", how many songs come up? 7
"love", how many songs come up? 333
"you", how many songs come up? 706


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Answers randomly shuffled and applied to questions

1. What's a weird phrase you like to say?
You Have Never Lived Because You Have Never Died ~ Listener

2. What's your life like?
Goodnight Wherever You Are~ Christin Nelson

3. What's something you've never said?
The More I See You ~ Michael Buble

4. What do you do at parties and stuff like that?
If Ever I Would Leave You ~ Robert Goulet

5. What's your love life like?
You Cannot Lose My Love~ Sara Groves 

6. What'll be your wedding song?
Pollution ~ Tom Lehrer

7. Your honeymoon song?
Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things) ~ Charlie Hall

8. Your best friend's theme song:
How Deep Is Your Love? ~ as sung by The Bird and The Bee

9. Your theme song:
On The Street Where You Live ~ as sung by Willie Nelson

10. Your parents' theme song:
My Phone’s On Vibrate For You ~ Rufus Wainwright

11. Your rocking out song:
You’re the Inspiration ~ Chicago  (yes, rockin’out in the 80s!)

12. The song you have on your iPod but can't stand to listen to:
You Belong With Me ~ Taylor Swift

13. The song that gets stuck in your head easily:
She Loves You ~ The Beatles

14. Your significant other's theme:
The Masochism Tango ~ Tom Lehrer (wow.)

15. The song for when you're about to do something stupid:
Do You Hear the People Sing? ~ from the musical Les Miserables

16. Your song for doing surveys to:
Stool Boom ~ from the movie Waiting for Guffman

17. How is your health?
You Are My Joy ~ David Crowder Band

18. Your childhood theme song:
Los Angeles, I’m Yours ~ the Decemberists

19. The song you first hear in your first car:
Since I don’t Have you ~ Brian Setzer Orchestra

20. At your funeral, the song then:
Farewell To All You People ~ Christin Nelson (um…)

21. Your first kids' song:
You Took Advantage of Me ~ Megan Mullally (um)

22. The Way you feel about your kids -
You’re Pretty Good Looking (for a girl) – The White Stripes

23. How are you feeling?
You Don’t Know Me – Michael Buble (actually, good lineup)

24. What are you looking forward to today?
Be True To Your School – The Beach Boys

25. What's your favorite thing to do?
Thank You For The Music - ABBA

26. What are you afraid of most?
Bless This Mess – David Bazan

27. What are you craving at the moment?
Breaking My Own Heart - Duffy

28. When you hear an annoying sound you say:
Set Me Up With One Of Your Friends – Chris Thile (great song!)

29. When you fall you think:
What Do You Do With A B.A. in English/It Sucks to Be Me – from the musical Avenue Q

30. Before you fall asleep you think of:
Telephone – Lady Gaga

31. How do you feel about the people you love?
All Creatures of Our God and King – David Crowder Band

32. What comes to mind when you think of someone you hate?
According to You – Orianthi (nice!)

33. What's something you always keep in mind?
Me and You – She and Him

34. What's your motto?
You Can Have Me – Sidewalk Prophets

35. Your reason for waking up in the morning:
Are You Gonna Be My Girl? - JET

36. Your crush has the quality of:
You Are So Special Because You Are So Unique – Listener & EQ

37. When you taste something amazing, you think:
If I Die Young – The Band Perry

38. How you feel about your pets:
I’m Looking Through You – The Beatles

39. When describing yourself you tell people:
Little Things - Pomplamoose

40. When people say "your mom" you think:
Stuck on You - Elvis

41. The rain reminds you of:
The Way You Look Tonight – as performed by Maroon 5

42. Models make you think of:
OK it’s Alright With Me – Eric Hutchinson

43. What is your deepest darkest secret?
Til There Was You – as performed by The Beatles

44. In your past life you were:
Crazy For You – Adele 


45. Describe your room:
And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going – Jennifer Holliday

46. How would you describe your favorite memory?
Can’t Take My Eyes Off You – as performed by Lauryn Hill

47. To you, what do smelly socks represent?
My Life Would Suck Without You – Kelly Clarkson

48. How about the American flag?
Only The Good Die Young – Billy Joel

49. A hot guy/girl?
You Alone – David Crowder Band

50. What comes to mind when you hear a car alarm?
Happy to Be Stuck With You – Huey Lewis and the News

Again...

HOW DO I GET MYSELF INTO THINGS LIKE THIS?!?!?

(I'm so glad I can find the humor, because I'm also irritated and annoyed. This does not bode well...)

Oh God, please help me with my attitude in all this. You know all aspects of this, so I ask for Your hands to guide toward good outcomes, as much as possible.

Runaway imagination, or Intestines, Intestines

I had a chance to use it earlier to assist in a friend's comic-book endeavor, and now it's in over-drive. I miss this. Awhile ago I put away the fictionality, because real life could be just as fantastic as the make-believe, but at the same time, it is rewarding to lose one's self down the rabbit hole and just get away from reality for awhile.

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Intestines, Intestines, we all have two kinds
they connect our stomachs to our behinds
Intestines, Intestines, also known as our guts
are made of a tube full of linings and ruts
nutrients from food are absorbed as fuel
all parts leftover will come out as stool

Ree wind

I talked with a friend last night, and she mentioned it had been 7 years since her mom died.

I remember that summer. She came up from Miami to visit, staying with us as she had since the summer after HS graduation. I remember the 4th of July - I had been in a wedding that afternoon in a backyard, one that would fall apart within a year. I also received my first marriage proposal :).

(A lot has happened since then, but I still remember that)

I feel like death...

I'm still slightly sore all over from work. The last two nights I've had just generally larger patients, so maneuvering them in the beds takes more effort, plus I assisted with some chest compressions last night.

After work my stomach was a little upset, but not too bad. I went for food for a birthday, then ice cream, and when I got home, my stomach started full-force to attempt to burrow out of my body.

I've taken medicine, and am now curled up in the fetal position with my laptop and water bottle.

(I have more to write, and thought I'd be able to finish, but I think I'll wait)

Talk/Prayer

I wonder if people @ church talk about me the way I've heard them talk about others....
(I don'tknow how I feel about that...)

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God, as I strip the wallpaper off this wall, you've impressed upon me the need to pray for someone I don't even know. God, I don't know Your relationship with this woman, but please help her. Let her realize that the past cannot be changed, but now is the time for action. There are things more important in life, and help her to be pro-active in spending time and getting to know those around her, while they are still close at hand and able to be known. Open her eyes and help her to see and appreciate the gifts within reach. Help her relationships with people. My heart aches over this situation. People let others down - it's a constant that will happen, but let this woman be bold enough to suck it up and be able to step up to the plate, and if not, provide others that can do it in her stead.

I REALLY hate Satan

I hate that he lurks, and is able to slip in and plant thoughts, no matter how great the situation is. I hate that I will start to react to those thoughts, and then get mad because I know where they came from, and am mad with myself that I didn't invoke my Jesus to make him run. I often hate how, once Satan puts in a thought, and I react, then realize its from him, that Jesus takes over, Satan flees, and then we again have to sit with the thought, and walk through it and love the thought, when I'd really just like to throw it and run the other way. I occasionally hate being optimistic and hopeful, but as a woman of Jesus, I HAVE to cling to Him and to that hope, or else just lay down and die right now.





(again, not emo)

40 mph

is my natural speed limit for driving and crying.

(And I'm really not this emo in person--this blog has just become a receptacle for such things)

Tonight was good, and nice, and awkward. I met new people and got to sorta be around people. It was a good setting. Maybe next time I'll talk more. It was a big enough group that I felt like I was having a naturally hard time talking and connecting, and I didn't know enough people to be comfortable yet, and they are all in the same life group, so they had that tie, and are all married. It was odd, because I'm almost positive I was the oldest one there, and yet we are at completely different parts of life. It was a good night, and I was thankful I got invited--just another learning/growing experience.

God, help me to get over myself and insecurities as they arise. I am Yours, and in Your image--help me to hold tight to that. Help me with my 'soft spot' as only You know how to do.

I think we should do things that scare us...

...like singing in front of people (which I did on Sunday, as part of the worship team). By the time it was in front of the church, it was the 3rd time, and I was a little less freaked. Even so, I was REALLY GLAD I did it bare-footed, because if I'd been wearing shoes (of any kind), I'm pretty sure I'd have fallen over. As it was, by the end, both legs from the knees down were numb. I don't know if I'll do it again, but I think it was a good experience for me to do.

Lunch was good. It was my 1st Viejo mariachi band experience. (excellent musicians). Also interesting interactions.

Thoughts of an early morning

I awoke to the thought: I enjoy hugs. And then I opened my eyes.

As I laid in bed, I thought about hugs--the giving and receiving of them (any type) as a sign of caring and about how in most instances, its the re-iteration that in this space, in this moment, the creation of a safe space, which just the thought of produces a relaxing sigh from me.

I also thought about the sharing of a meal. Any time of togetherness over food - the sitting down for a meal is an opportunity to interact that is within its own area.

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(and a late-night friend was on facebook, and we talked about life, and he asked what he could pray about for me, and I almost cried.)

Another reason why I shouldn't drink...

So I went to Target tonight, and on a whim got some Jack Daniels (because I don't like beer very much). At Target, they now have alarms on each individual bottle, around the neck. I got the rest of my supplies and went to check out. The check-out girl had to call a supervisor to come get the alarm off of my bottle, but the supervisor didn't know how, so she started finding various other employees to ask them if they knew how to release my bottle. She'd walk all over the store, with me following her around. It took about 10 people and 20 minutes, but I finally got my bottle back.

I also heard the Columbus North marching band---SOOO good! I was very impressed.

Looking back/ Coffee Cry

(so it was only later that I realized I went out to dinner with 4 guys, 2 I had met less than 30 minutes before, and 2 I had been introduced to about a month before, but never really talked with ---and it was an interesting amalgm of people)





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O coffee, o coffee, oh why must you burn
I give you my love, some day I will learn
o coffee my innards are warm to my guts
you nag at my stomach and its squishy ruts
o coffee, oh when will this love/hateness end?
As soon as my GI tract's back on the mend

Long Day

-food @ Ihop
-worked on church library with books
-created a 'needs' area on church website for cleaning
-created attendance slips
-hung out
-got food
-sang while being crazy-scared
-listened to Listener
-helped Listener pack
-ate w/Listener
-came home
-slept for 4 hours and am now freakishly awake.
-now updating Itunes, had a craving for Spaghettios (so ate that), and getting ready to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle on Hulu.com while waiting for sleep to return.

Awake?

woke up yesterday at 3 pm, stayed awake until 2:30 this afternoon (23.5 hrs), slept for 3 hours until 530(26/3) and am STILL AWAKE (31/3). Took medicine and hoping for a pass out. Goonite.

After 2 days, I called for the cat, and she came, and was in the house for awhile. I put her out on the (screened in) back porch. When I woke up, she was gone, so either the cat got out thru a push screen door (possible), or Hazel has moved to Indiana and 'borrowed' my cat (which is funny and creepy @ the same time, so I'll think of the first...)

I miss people, which is slightly crazy, because I know I've done a fair bit of interacting this week, but I think today its been brought on by the beautiful Labor Day weekend, and me working, imagining people hanging out and doing fun things while I work or sleep. I think the feeling like I'm missing out on something makes me more cranky than the sleep schedule.

I'm reading a great book about the soul, death, grief, and bluegrass music. i want to hug this book. It makes me think that as Christians, it seems that we should feel more, as we should be aware of the implications of the soul within all aspects of life. I think it gets forgotten, and in a world that is not of the best things, grief is a real thing.

Last night of orientation.