Sunday, June 27, 2010


can we go back to the beginning of the conversation?


Passage of the Day - "Through Painted Deserts"

"You know what I want in a woman, Paul?"
"What's that?"
" A friend. A true friend, someone who knows me and loves me anyway. You know, like when I'm through putting my best foot forward, she's still there, still the same. I meet these people and it's all conditional, like you were saying. They are in it for themselves. They are friends with you because you fit the image they want to portray. It's a selfish thing. Do you know what I mean? I'd like to get a girl who doesn't think like that. Don't get me wrong. She's got to be proud of her husband, I know that. I don't mind trying to make it easy on her in that way. But all in all, there's got to be some sort of soul mate thing going on. That's gonna take work, I think. There are some people in this world who love their spouse because they provide them with the life they want, and there are others who love their spouse because they've chosen to, or because love has chosen them, or whatever. Something way back endeared one to the other and they made a decision to lock into it."

A good day.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


So I have this 3-in-1 of Donald Miller books. I bought it on sale, and I'd enjoyed 'Blue Like Jazz'. I had re-read that one, and 'Searching For God Knows What', but never got to the last book.

Warp speed ahead years, to the last couple weeks---
I'm in a reading phase, where I just grab whatever's on the shelves. I didn't think I'd read book 2 of 3, so I started, and while I realized after I began that I had, I decided to finish it.

And now i'm at book 3 - 'Through Painted Deserts'

and it's about leaving, and change....

"I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently..."

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will be changed." Donald Miller, 'Through Painted Deserts' (and THAT'S just the Author's Note @ the beginning!)

I've also been thinking about that verse in Zephaniah (3:17). In case you were wondering, my favorite part is "He will quiet you with his love", with the rest "He will rejoice over you with singing" being a close second. These parts are perfect. Life can become very hectic with many thoughts and background noise, and just to know God's love for me is so powerful and amazing that it can quiet my life, it DOES quiet my life as I sigh into the wave of love as it washes over me, again and again. The next part makes me think of a musical, where characters are so full of emotion that they burst into song. I'm pretty sure that if a PERSON sang to me, I'd be a puddle, so knowing that the God of the universe is so emotion-filled over me that He's bursting into song---I'm pretty much dumbfounded (aka "quieted with his love).

Friday, June 25, 2010

Musings on Joy

Because of a prior conversation, this week I've been thinking about joy, and the question of how one shares joy. Here are my thoughts on the subject...

Joy is an aspect of the fruit of the Spirit (listed at #2 of 9, seconded to love). It seems to be independent of situation; it's an underlying current within this life as waves of emotion dance on the surface, however it can interact with those emotions if remembered.

And that was the word that kept re-occurring this week: remember.

It can be very easy to 'go with the flow' of life and react to whatever happens - that is the way of the world. But as I go along, I need to remember - remember who I am (a daughter of the King), and of what Jesus has done for me. I need to remember that as I travel though this life, I am an ambassador and possess the joy of relationship with Christ and the gift of eternal life. I am to remember and to carry this with me so that as I interact with others, the joy of the Lord is able to be seen, no matter the situation.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

If you want me to

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
and I don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
I will walk through the valley if you want me to

because I'm not who I was when I took my first step
and I'm clingin to the promise you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
then I will go through the fire if you want me to

it may not be the way I would've chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said I'd never go alone

so when the whole world's turned against me and I'm all by myself
and I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and I'll go through the valley if you want me to

('If you want me to' by Ginny Owens)

It's been a hard day/afternoon. My raw edges of emotions have crept out. Just feeling disconnected and alone, more so than usual. (On the up side, my running to Jesus is getting faster). Right now, I'm trying to sit with it all. It's so hard, not knowing specifics, but if I did, would I have done it? I honestly can't say.

But God is good, and to that I cling. With all the uncertainties, HIS lovingkindness/grace/mercy/love is bedrock foundation.

Oh, God, help me to be faithful and to trust, even when I don't understand and my emotions run amok. Help me to be the person you're shaping me to be, and do what you need to for that to occur. PLEASE help me with cultivating patience. I want to be worthy of your best when it is provided to me. Provide me with opportunities to show the world the joy that is found within a relationship with you. Help me with my interactions with others.

Happy Father's Day to the perfect Father of all. Thank you.
In Jesus' name, Amen

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Good Night

'Oh soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness to see?
There's light for a look at the Savior
And grace, more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace'

Small group went well. There were 3 of us, and we just got to share and relate. The more people that are around, the harder I find it to share and open up, so tonight was a more comfortable setting for me.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Another spoke

So today I found out my ex-boyfriend is engaged.
I guess it happened awhile ago...

...and I experienced an ache, so then I thought about WHY that happened.

It's not because of the persons involved (congrats to them, by the way), but a personal longing for a Godly relationship that would head to marriage. And while I knew great rational insights in my head about how marriage is not the be-all/end-all, at that time, my eyes were leaking.I do hold hope that some day I may date again. (Just another spoke in my Wheel of Patience!)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Favorite chapter

So I'm in a reading phase, and am re-reading "Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality" by Rob Bell, which I'm pretty sure is my favorite so far of his books, mainly because I have a favorite chapter in this book

Chapter six
'Worth Dying For'

It helps illuminate from another perspective the issue of 'submission' (in daily life and in marriage)in a way that is challenging and uplifting at the same time. I'd post my favorite part, but would basically just put up the whole chapter. It gives me hope...

It's been a weekend of crazy-rain @ night. It makes me thankful for the ability to pull my car into the garage. Church and lunch were good. I got to tell my story to some more people, which is always nice to do when there is the time to do it properly. I ended up taking a nap this afternoon - I fell asleep on the couch while watching 'Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium'.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


"Pursue patience by waiting"

(it's amazing what you see when you're looking for it)

Today I saw lots of those signs, plus I have a new favorite verse--Zephaniah 3:17. It's chock-full of goodness, and my favorite part of it helped me sleep last night.

(The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

So close, and yet so far

I've been attempting to dig in with both hands - to study and learn; read and comprehend.
Simple ideas, so profound as I roll them over in my mouth and mind.
I feel uncomfortable; pressure - a knowing that things aren't as they should be
until I cry out
My heart explodes as I hold it out
and ask for it to be reconstructed
The deepest parts are the darkest
in most need of the light
Sit to hear
best time ever spent
and we will walk on
I cannot see and do not trust myself
but Your record is perfect
if I can remember
and hold tight
until all around is light

Sunday, June 6, 2010


So it's been a good weekend, and great day of community, even WITH getting sunburnt. I was going along, and going to scrape some wallpaper, then found a dead mouse under the sink.

I did a good girl freakout, and as I walked to the car to get the work gloves, I thought, "Man, I wish I were married."

Because besides the obvious (love,family,sex,etc), my mind is ever working in practicalities. I don't LIKE having to figure out how to dispose of a dead mouse, and if I were married, there would be someone there to provide AT LEAST the OPTION of me not having to do it. (I can do a lot of things; some times, though, it'd be nice to not necessarily do it all the time for myself). So far, my practical list contains: performing tick-check, killing spiders/insects, moving heavy things, decisions, snow removal (especially at 4 am!) and now mouse-disposal.