Switcheroo

It's amazing how quickly things can change. You think it will be one sort of a day, and the next thing you know, another type of day has walked up and slapped you in the face, standing back to see your response.

My insecurities have been unknowingly been dumped over my head, to see if any will stick. The episode in question happened over a month ago---a friend in conversation gave me a mirror, and since then it gets pulled it out on occasion and used to cut the conversation and sniff the words; using seemingly innocuous things and taking them within in the most hurtful ways. In my head I know the words weren't intended for this, but it's an easy target - a chink in the armor. Sometimes I wish the heart could be turned off as easily as one can turn off the water to a toilet; then I think that it might be good for a moment, but if you keep trying to use it, unwanted waste will build up, which means more work in the long run.

So I'll keep the water to my heart open - it keeps the runoff valve of my eyes in check.

God, You know the situation, and the hearts and minds involved. I can only control my actions, thoughts, and feelings, but I need Your help. Thank you for being a part of my life.

My head is full...

of things that need to be written down, so here I go.

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I've been thinking about spiritual gifts and how those are areas where people are natually talented. Sometimes, however, there are areas that you aren't aware that you're good in, or are good, but afraid until you are open to the possibility and have the opportunity to try. I think being open to possibilities is a great thing, but can be hard to do. Humans have pre-conceived notions on everything. What a feat to trust in God and be willing to let Him take charge of your life, no matter what happens.

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On Friday night I had my first patient die since moving to Indiana. I've had about 6 or 7 patients die where I've actually been present for the death, and it's something you never fully get used to. I have cried for all my patients that have died. It's an honor and a tragedy to experience.

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Hair

the urge to cut it is increasing. Maybe I'll look into places around here, or see if L'erin would like to take a crack at it...

'Vintage Jesus'

Awoke early (before 7-Central) and rolled out of my deep dent in the air mattress. Ate Oreos and read on 'Vintage Jesus'. So far, a good book - it's like having a theology discussion with a friend.I think it's got good stuff. I'm about 1/3rd through. Hope it keeps up, and that 'Doctrine', which is waiting on my bed @ home, will be just as good.

(Continuation)

I fell asleep again, and now have sore ears and throat--and actually, am amused and relieved :). Drinking water and hot tea and have medicine...

Frustrated

-in regards to my sleep. I know that it's not even been a full week, but I feel like with as many naps as I'm taking, that I SHOULD be sick. I'm told that I 'should build a routine' and that I 'will get used to it', but right now I just feel EXHAUSTED.

(and I JUST woke up from yet another extended nap).

Hurry up and wait

that is how I feel today - unsettled and uneasy, but not really sure why. I have things I could do/should do, but even in motion, I can't shake this.

(also waiting for a call, which isn't helping)

God, no matter what I do, I can't change this. Only You can provide me peace and ease my unsettled-ness. Help me to feel You at work.

Catching up

(Last week I was stressed over the prospect of working nights, then I worked nights, and have been in the process of RECOVERING from those nights, which is why my posts have lagged...)

Also last week I emailed my grandmother. She has been married twice in her lifetime, and I didn't know how she had met her husbands, so I was curious to know. It was a good email, and I'm glad that I asked.

I've begun reading 'Vintage Jesus' by Mark Driscoll et. al. (because I can't remember the other author's name - and I also bought his book - 'Doctrine') and I had a 'C.S. Lewis' moment, getting so excited by what I was reading that I had to make myself put down the book...

Life

There is a theme going on. It's amazing how all the books I've been reading lately ('Waking the Dead', 'Chasing Daylight', and now 'A Million Miles in A Thousand Years') deal with life - specifically, ACTIVELY living life and the how to engage in the story of your life. After a long hiatus, I watched the whole of the 'Lord of the Rings' movies. The epic myth called out to my soul, to remind of the important things of life.

On Sunday, as I sat eating a wonderfully greasy patty melt and listened to talk of ministry, I just again felt the impetus to contribute; to DO something. I basically ended up begging for something, anything; tasks. And then as I worked through the tasks found for me, I just felt honored to be assisting in work that would count, taking a little off the plates of others so they could focus on other things. In my mind on numerous times through the day came the parable of the talents - about being faithful with a few things, and then being able to be put over many things. I really don't know at this point what my preferences would be in assisting, but I feel well on my way to hopefully being faithful with what I am given.

Wants vs. Needs

I've been thinking about this for awhile - Wants vs. Needs

and I think sometimes our 'wants' can get in the way of the 'best thing' (aka 'need'). Sure, it's good to have an idea of preferences, but there needs to be some flexibility. I think of my brother and sister-in-law = his 'wants' in a woman were, among other things, 'tall' and 'musically inclined/singer'. My sister-in-law is not tall, and while she greatly enjoys music, does not have the best ear. I think it took him awhile to realize this was the woman for him - that she is a 'need' in his life.

At 28, being a nurse in Indiana and single never would've made the list of possibilites. And that's why God knows better than me. Sometimes I wonder 'why', but I know there are things in play I don't know about yet, or may never know. I try to 'want' the 'best things' - to TRUST the path I'm on and the God that creates my itinerary. Being single really can suck. It makes my heart ache, and I once again get to take those aches back to God. I know that I'm getting practice that makes perfect, as God is the only one that can help soothe those hurts. My favorite thought in those moments is that there IS someone, and that for some reason, they aren't ready yet. That man is currently working through trials and struggles with God, and that some day, our paths of life may merge. My worst thought is that 'singleness is the end' - which is a very self-centered thought that brings about a torrent of emotions. It makes me fearful, and opens up parts of my heart that I hold close and tight, and need to be given back to God , so that He will do what He wants with them. If singleness is to always be mine, I would hope to be like the character in 'The Great Divorce', about whom they say that she was a parent to every child she met, and that when men met her, that just interacting with her made them go love their families and be better fathers and husbands.

I know what I 'want', but God knows what I 'need'; He holds 'the best things' and He will win out so long as I can get out of my own way.

Weeks

This past week was much better than the week before.

The week before had statements, and talks, and stress, and emotions.

This week I got the opportunity to spend time around others, which was good. It was nice to just be able to sit and talk, and enjoy another's company.

I'm trying to stay optimistic about next week, as that's when I'll be transitioning to night shift
:(. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a bear, if you happen to see me at all, so good luck when attempting to interact with me.

Breakable

Tomorrow we're going to do a 'terminal wean' on one of my patients. Her family has decided to take her off the ventilator and extubate her. I will most likely be present for her death - my first patient to die while I'm taking care of them since the new job.

My job is amazing. Every day it makes me take the focus off of myself and fight for the concerns of another. It provides perspective and reveals what things are petty, and cuts to the bone to show what things are truly important.

(I'm already tearing up, and it's not tomorrow yet).

So I'll say my favorite prayer - God, help.

:)