wound

So today I had plucked enough courage to attempt to sing @ church again. I wasn't feeling well, and I REALLY don't like singing in front of people, or being the center of attention, in general. I think part of me thinks that if people look long enough, they will see all my flaws through my armor. Also, singing for me is a really personal, vulnerable thing, but people had been bringing it up, asking when I would do it again, and I was reminded that it wasn't about me.

I got up there, trying to get as comfortable as I could with my general anxiety, and with being under the weather, I had part of a cough drop in my mouth while trying to sing. At the end of the first song, 4 teenagers I like are all laughing and trying to get my attention - to tell me that the cough drop in my mouth looks like chewing tobacco, and I realize that they are laughing at me as I'm up trying to do this incredibly hard thing, and I just want to run away...

(And as much as think astrological signs are crap, I do seem to identify with the crab---I have a seemingly even-keeled/tough exterior, but have the softest emotional underbelly)


God was able to get me through the rest of the service.